Aimless and Unmotivated

Do you ever just feel like you're going through the motions, just going along with life as it sees fit, not how you would like it to go?

I don't know what's wrong with me of late, but I just cannot pull myself together.

I mean there's nothing wrong with my life, I just feel like I'm going nowhere.

I'm not motivated to run, I'm not motivated to write - blog posts or my book, I'm not motivated to do anything. Work doesn't seem as enjoyable anymore, I'm tired of living with these people but also scared to move on somewhere new.

I'm also at that point in the year where my body has decided it doesn't like the change in the weather so it's produced a mass outbreak all over my chest and back which, yanno, doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Grand.

I hate having these down moments and I feel awful for moaning about it considering these problems aren't proper problems for the likes of those who are homeless or disaster has struck their homes. Those people out there who would give anything for a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. But I guess everyone has their own problems to deal with.

The picture above was taken whilst I was at my grandparents on Saturday. It was the most relaxing long weekend I've had in a while.

I had from Wednesday off and I drove home on Thursday. I spent the majority of my time unpacking my room as it had all been packed up for my carpet to be redone (and if that doesn't contrast completely with a couple sentences above then I don't know what does). It was so calming to go through all my teenage memories and relive them.

I chucked a lot of stuff or bagged it for charities which made me feel like I was doing some good in the world.

I considered last year even going to another country to help in the rainforests or in building volunteer projects or in helping with disaster relief. But I didn't realise you had to pay a couple of grand just to volunteer. Why is the world ruled by money?

Getting sidetracked... anyways, after unpacking all of Friday and a bit of Thursday afternoon it was nice to spend the day at my grandparents and chill out in the sun. Their garden is so beautiful, full of colourful flowers and wildlife ornaments.

I sometimes wish I could spend more time there. Living in London has separated me from my family even more and it bugs me.

Adeel is so close to his family and gets to see them all very frequently. I feel like an awful granddaughter, cousin, sister, niece, friend because I'm never around.

I feel like I've already said all of this. But I don't feel needed.

And TV shows don't help. They're all perfect and beautiful. Yes they're not real but they make me feel insignificant and disgusted with myself.

God that was depressing. Just a big fat bleurgh of thoughts all over this page.

Now I'm going to go and finish reading HP7 because a little bit of magic always makes me feel better.

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Carve The Mark

By Veronica Roth.

Narrated by Austin Butler and Emily Rankin.

Image From Goodreads

[On a planet where violence and vengeance rule, in a galaxy where some are favoured by fate, everyone develops a currentgift, a unique power meant to shape the future. While most benefit from their currentgifts, Akos and Cyra do not - their gifts make them vulnerable to others' control. Can they reclaim their gifts, their fates, and their lives, and reset the balance of power in this world?

Cyra is the sister of the brutal tyrant who rules the Shotet people. Cyra's currentgift gives her pain and power - something her brother exploits, using her to torture his enemies. But Cyra is much more than just a blade in her brother's hand: she is resilient, quick on her feet, and smarter than he knows.

Akos is from the peace-loving nation of Thuvhe, and his loyalty to his family is limitless. Though protected by his unusual currentgift, once Akos and his brother are captured by enemy Shotet soldiers, Akos is desperate to get his brother out alive - no matter what the cost. When Akos is thrust into Cyra's world, the enmity between their countries and families seems insurmountable. They must decide to help each other to survive - or destroy one another.]

I was intrigued to read this as I enjoyed Roth's Divergent series so much.

I did quite enjoy it as well. It was well written with the chapters jumping between the two protagonist's points of view - Cyra and Akos. They were both equally likeable and flawed characters which made it very easy to root for them. 

I particularly liked Akos though with his determination to do anything for a brother that clearly can't be saved. The other characters were pretty interesting too, especially Ryzek - for the ruler of a people he seemed oddly calm but often had great influence over his sister to do his dirty work for him.

Roth's imagery was also so beautifully done that I could picture it all very clearly.

I loved the idea of a number of people having some sort of gift as well as a possible fate. The fates were stated pretty early on so it was a case of wondering how they would come about or what they could mean. I also loved the use and repetition of Akos making potions from all these interesting ingredients - it's the simplest of tasks but fascinated me to no end!

The planet names and some of the character names were quite confusing at times and because I was listening to it rather than reading it, it wasn't clear to me who or where they were some of the time. This may have been different if I'd had a physical copy in front of me though.

The infusion of bloodlines, unique gifts, betrayal, secrets, otherworldly planets and an almost gladiator-style arena was definitely a fantastic mix. And the ending left some questions with a few shocking revelations too!

I can't wait for the next one!

The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo

I have had the best four day weekend ever. Seriously, I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Celebrating four years with the love of my life was just the thing I needed, we both needed.

Look out for that post on Sunday!

Image From Goodreads

[The Emmy Award-winning comedian, actress, writer, and star of Inside Amy Schumer and the acclaimed film Trainwreck has taken the entertainment world by storm with her winning blend of smart, satirical humour. Now, Amy Schumer has written a refreshingly candid and uproariously funny collection of (extremely) personal and observational essays. In The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo, Amy mines her past for stories about her teenage years, her family, relationships, and sex and shares the experiences that have shaped who she is - a woman with the courage to bare her soul to stand up for what she believes in, all while making us laugh. Ranging from the raucous to the romantic, the heartfelt to the harrowing, this highly entertaining and universally appealing collection is the literary equivalent of a night out with your best friends - an unforgettable and fun adventure that you wish could last forever. Whether she's experiencing lust-at-first-sight while in the airport security line, sharing her own views on love and marriage, admitting to being an introvert, or discovering her cross-fit instructor's secret bad habit, Amy Schumer proves to be a bighearted, brave, and thoughtful storyteller that will leave you nodding your heard in recognition, laughing out loud, and sobbing uncontrollably - but only because it's over.]

I was recommended The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo by a colleague at work as we published it not so long ago.

I thought I would give it a shot as I'm trying to broaden my reading genres and autobiographies can be pretty fascinating.

I will say this, though, before I begin: I'm not a fan of Amy Schumer.

I've only seen snippets of her stand up in adverts and talk shows so I guess I can't judge her completely, but still.

However, although I didn't find this book funny (bar a few bits - I only physically laughed out loud once), getting to know her as a person through her life events was beyond compelling.

In fact, I felt more saddened by what she's had to go through than anything else. Some of the things she's had to deal with can only be considered horrific. I don't know how one person can deal with so much. It's no wonder she turned to comedy.

I love the fact that she's had the courage to write about her life though, being honest and upfront about everything. She never painted herself in a light that made you think she was ever trying to make herself look better.

The way it was written was great. I enjoyed the separate chapters on different subject matters a lot.

And her brutal, blunt delivery for particular scenarios were what got me the most though and I definitely respect her more as a woman now, even if I still don't find her particularly funny as a comedian.

I don't really have much else to say on the matter, I think she's one of those people you either find funny or you don't.

And I don't.



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Fan Art, Friends and Cars

We lost our second cat at the start of this week.

It seems so long ago already as I've been back to London since then and met up with a few friends.

It was only in April that Smudge was taken from us unexpectedly. He was hit by a car sadly, such a horrible way to go.

But Kittie, she was getting on a bit so we knew it was coming soon.

Mum said she was purring right up until the end. Heartbreaking :(

 

Sorry to start this post off with a bit of a downer, but just look at how beautiful she was.

She was always there for a cuddle when I was growing up. Sixteen years of my childhood.

Anyways, I am now back at home again after a whirlwind few days at work, just so I get to see mum and Neil before they go back to Dubai.

I've seen a couple of friends already and have a couple more to go as well as my grandparents. Just trying to relax mainly as I haven't taken any holiday in quite a long time.

I went bowling last Saturday with a friend from college I hadn't seen in 2 years. Saw another friend from college for dinner after work one day.

I also saw one of my best friends yesterday and she's obsessed with gaming and tumblr and whatnot. So now that I've come back from seeing her I have a new (old but returned) love for tumblr again.

We looked at a lot of fan art yesterday (mainly for Fallout 4 as she loves it) and it's made me want to start sketching again.

I miss it so much.

I used to do it all the time. I mean I worked my butt off at GCSE and got an A*.

I was so proud.

And then college came along and my art class got dropped and photography took over my world. If only I'd have continued drawing.

There may be a few dodgy sketches to come before I can get back into the swing of things, but I really am hoping to start up again if I can find the time.

I've also been trying to get a car as I suddenly got the urge to drive (plus Adeel's insurance is super expensive since his accident)! I've put a deposit down and test drove it, so I should be picking it up Tuesday if all goes smoothly.

Fingers crossed! (I'm sure I'll post pictures once it's all official, got to drive it back to London on Wednesday yet - scary!)

And on another note, as this is an arty post, I still haven't thought of a name for my bloody novel.

At this rate it never will have a name. Why is this bit harder than the actual writing?

Ah, oh well. I've got a few more days here and then I'm back to normality.

Wish me luck.

Stand For What You Believe In

It's been a busy ol' week and I'm glad to have the weekend to chill out a bit. 

Sunday's always seem to be my favourite day as it's usually the day Adeel comes over or it's the day when I can be lazy and do absolutely nothing.

Close-up of a bee whilst out catching Pokemon

When I was at home, my mum and step-dad used to always do the roast dinner on Sunday's and we'd sit together in the lounge and watch one of those family-type programmes.

I miss that with them being in Dubai, me here and my sister just not interested in spending time with the family anymore.

I took a half day on Thursday and went home because it was my cousin's baby's first birthday, which was cute.

She had a bit of a party at hers and there were so many people and babies and balloons, it was a bit chaotic!

My other cousin, the younger one, is about four months pregnant and we just sat and chattered away the entire time as I hadn't seen her since she'd announced that she was expecting.

It was such a nice evening, which was finished off at my grandparents, eating lots of cheese on toast and listening to classical music. Perfect.

Two tiny books I got for Dolly's 1st birthday

Religion seems to have been the hot topic this week, at least for me. It was discussed earlier in the week with A, a few days ago with my colleagues at work and then with my grandparents as well funnily enough.

It fascinates me, but I don't ever think I will fully understand it not being a believer and all. I guess I just don't get why it has to cause so many problems; wars, arguments, separation between races, relationships breaking apart.

And why are there so many different Gods, wouldn't it be easier for there to just be one overall God and be done with it?

Although if people didn't fight about religion, they would find something else to fight about. It seems to be the way of the human race, we can't just all agree and get on with our lives.

I get that people need something to believe in. It's daunting to think what's actually out there, or into any of those big questions. But are we ever actually going to get any answers? No.

All I'm trying to say is, if you believe in something, no matter what it may be, you should not need to challenge anyone else's opinion or feel ashamed of your own.

From TheGoodQuote's Instagram

This post is not intended to offend anyone, it's just my honest opinion



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What I Want To Do In The Next 6 Months

I just sat opposite a man on the tube who had the hairiest chest and, equally, hairy mole right on his chin. I honestly thought he had a goatee at first... Whoops.

Anyways, as my countdown app kindly reminded me this morning, it's just six months to Christmas (as I write this post) and that brings me to look back on my resolutions from January. 

I haven't quite achieved many of them as of yet, but I've created another similar list of goals in this post of what I would like to have achieved in the next 6 months.

I don't know how much I can actually accomplish with my ever dwindling motivation, but maybe this will get my butt into gear. So here goes:

1. To visit home/friends/my dad more

2. To book my trip to Venice

3. To buy a sketch book and start drawing again

4. To finish the second draft of my novel

5. To travel more, even if just in England

6. To do a writing retreat and lock myself in a hotel away from home and get a substantial amount of writing done

7. To find more inspiration. Create mood boards if I have to in order for my motivation to return

8. To meet some more of Adeel's family

9. And to equally not worry so much about it and what people think

10. To celebrate Adeel's new job (when he gets one)

11. To donate money and the rest of my unwanted clothes to charity

12. To have a clear out and a tidy up of my room

13. To take more photos in photo booths or more photos in general

14. To decide when I want to return to Dubai and visit my mum and Neil

15. To run 96 more miles

16. To increase the percentage of my wages going in to my pension

17. To stop buying cheap clothes that always seem to fray or break easily, buy something expensive and durable

18. To find a new home, one that we can start calling our own with new furniture and everything

19. To give away or sell all my old textbooks

20. To spend more time offline



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Memories And A Future Home

This past weekend I actually made an effort to go and see my little sister for once. I normally just seem to wait until my dad asks me to come down to his and she's either there or she isn't.

I was worried it would be a little awkward, what with not seeing her mum since her and my dad's divorce or spending any alone time with Holly... Ever. I mean, what do you even talk about with an eleven year old?

Anyways, it was completely fine. She chatted away amiably for the 6 or so hours we were together. I took her to my favourite park which we both just so happen to have visited countless times - Kelsey Park in Beckenham. We ambled around without an aim in the world, except for feeding the squirrels and ducks of course.

We wandered by the golf course but it was closed which was odd, so we grabbed an ice cream and continued feeding the wildlife along the way. After running out of bread we decided to head to the cinema as some thunderstorms were due in the afternoon.

We saw The Secret Life of Pets. It was an okay-ish film, but an easy one to watch nevertheless. Once the film was over we grabbed a bite to eat at Zizzi's, the one known for being the place David Bowie performed his first gig at I believe, when a pub stood there previously.

As we still had an hour and a bit to kill before I took her back, we headed back to the park to feed more squirrels and see if the golf course was open. It was and even though we heard a loud rumble of thunder in the distance, we decided to brave it and play anyway.

Of course, when we got to hole number two it decided to start raining, the thunder getting louder and louder as we went along and the rain plummeting down. We continued on nevertheless. Definitely a new experience!

But, after a good day, you know what stood out to me? Seeing this couple in the cinema, or, I should say, family.

Just before the lights went down a man and a woman came in with another man not far behind them, a toddler holding the woman's hand and a baby curled around the first man's torso. I'm not going to go into details of why this stood out to me because it could come across wrong, like I don't know how to explain it without sounding weird. But, the point is, they gave me hope.

I always get these moments where my hope dwindles and I wonder if me and A will ever get through our current issues, or why it's so hard or if it can even work. And then I see all these couples and it never really helps. But seeing this couple did, and it got me thinking about all sorts of memories.

Do you ever feel like there are specific scenes in your life that stand out in particular to you? They may seem like nothing at the time and then you find yourself not being able to stop thinking about them.

I have one from a few years back when things weren't going great. It was in the heat of summer, I actually had a day off of work and Adeel was visiting. We were literally just laying in our underwear on the bed sideways, a fan blowing cool tendrils over our skin and some unimportant game on in the background from the World Cup. His arm lay over me. I could feel his warmth behind me even though it was a sweltering hot day and, in that moment, life was perfect.

That memory got me through some of the tough times that came after. I don't know why because it probably didn't mean a thing to him, but it was so serene and uninterrupted.

It's moments like those that actually tend to be perfect and something you wish could go on longer.

And now I have another one from two weekends ago. Similar to the first, but different in so many ways regarding our headspace and the situation. I hadn't seen him in two weeks due to family commitments on both our parts and he came for the Friday night of that weekend. We literally crawled into bed, all snuggled in the dark and the rain was pouring outside.

For nights after and, even now, almost two weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it. It hasn't been needed to help get me through any panicky moments, because I'm glad to say that rarely happens anymore. The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because it's a sign of the future, something to look forward to every night. It doesn't have to be pouring outside but I get to know that I will always have him to come home to. No matter how good or bad a day was, I will always be able to curl up beside him and fall into a safe and peaceful sleep.

I don't know what brought this stream of thought on, but I guess it's just been one of those weeks where I've been able to appreciate what I do have.

I suppose the couple in the cinema and the memory from a couple of weekends ago just seemed to click into place making me feel unable to contain my excitement for the future.

A lot has happened this week that has made me think. Life is way too short to worry about all the crap that I do, and I know I can't seem to stop wishing away the present so the future will be here, but I've definitely been appreciating the smaller moments a bit more, the simple moments that are overlooked daily.

I've even been thinking back to the first days, weeks and months that I met Adeel and how everything has changed but gotten so much better.

Those moments will last a lifetime in my mind even if I can't paste them into a blog post or a scrapbook physically, they will always be with me because they are the moments that get me through, the moments that made us who we are and the ones I will treasure.

I know this post was probably a bit ramble-y, but I like doing these sort of ones. I feel like I can get more off of my chest and open up about things, in a healthy way, that have been bothering me.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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Social Pressure

So, this post is going to seem hella out of the blue but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and wanted to get off of my chest. Plus, I'm not even too sure on how to write it without coming across.. weird, yanno?

It was my nan's birthday yesterday and I've been trying to go home a lot more as, well, they're getting on a bit and I miss seeing them as much as we used to as kids. We used to spend 2 weeks with my mum, 2 weeks with my dad and 2 weeks with my grandparents (6 weeks seemed like forever back then!) and then secondary school hit, and I just saw them less and less until I barely saw them at all when I was at uni. Granted, it was tougher considering I was in London and not a ten minute drive from them, but still.

It's just been on my mind a lot that I haven't seen them enough and I'm trying to make up for it in a way. I just don't feel as close to my family as some people do. Like, we have good chats and stuff when we're together, we just never seem to make the effort to see each other a lot. I don't know, we're weird.

Anyways, I digress.

So I shot over to St. Pancras International after work on Friday to be greeted by a whole hoard of people - there had been a signal failure further up the line causing delays. I cried on the inside but once I'd hopped on the train, we were actually only five minutes later leaving than scheduled - hurray!

We had a nice chill evening in watching Jurassic World and chatting away, settling in for the night in preparation for the following day.

After my sister had finally finished faffing about, doing God knows what, we headed over to my grandparents yesterday afternoon. We arrived before everyone else (just us and the grandparents) and settled in for my granddads infamous buffet-style dinner (he used to be a chef back in the day so I always look forward to the food!)

And then the others showed up, including my cousin and her baby.

Which leads me to my confession.

I'm really really broody. Like, I don't think I can control it right now, especially when I see my cousin's daughter. She is sooooo adorable.

But, well, basically, this post was meant to be addressing the fact that most women still feel the pressure to have kids even if they don't want them. I used to not want kids, as in I loathed the idea of them and any I came into contact with and whenever I aired the fact that I didn't want them, people would just look at me and be all "you'll change your mind, trrrrust me."

And then there are the others that are all "you should be grateful you can have kids, you're so selfish if you don't want to take advantage of what you can have, blah blah blah."

No.

I just think it's ridiculous that women have to feel like this, like it's hard wired into our DNA and we're meant to want this. Men don't have to want to have them, so why do we? We're allowed to play the field, be career or goal orientated.

Okay, so I have changed my mind but that's not because I feel pressured to, it's because I want to.

I'm still torn though. I mean I really really want them at the moment, but I'm also loving my job and don't want to take time off right now (plus there's the whole living situation and whatnot - which will hopefully be changing in the near future. Fingers crossed!)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I guess it doesn't help that I've been home a lot more recently for family birthdays and seeing my second cousin's adorable little face and the way my cousin has changed, it just makes me want it way more. Plus, A is so family-orientated that just seeing him with his little nephews and nieces makes my heart melt.

I don't know if any of this made sense or whether it was a random mishmash of my thoughts, but, yeah, I wanted to write it out, clear my head as it were.

I should definitely write spontaneously more often.

Let me know your thoughts!



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Goodbye Smudge

So, I've missed a few of my regular posting times/days and the last post I did was hastily done. It's been a rough few weeks with intermittent health issues, internet problems and the death of my cat.

It may seem silly to some for me to be so distraught over a cat dying, but he really was a part of the family. Like, I used to hate that saying, but I really can see it now. The pets are as good a part of us as our parents or siblings. I mean, it tends to be the animals I'm really looking forward to on a visit home. 

Sad, I know.

He was always there since I was about ten or eleven years old, doing stupid things, making us laugh. When he was a kitten, he would get into the christmas tree and sit in there until he decided to pull it down instead or tear up bits of baubles and tinsel. And even last christmas he got into the box of tinsel with eyes the size of saucers. He was so mischievous and a pain in the ass, but we loved him anyway.

It's not just that he's gone, it's more that he's left such a big empty space behind, and that's not because he was such a fat cat. I don't even live at home anymore with all of our family pets, but it's still weird to think that he's not there anymore. I've kind of even been putting off going home because, although I know he's gone, it confirms it, in a way, if I go back.

Who would have thought it would take a cat dying to make me feel more appreciative of the time I do spend with people? It's just so weird, I was at home three days before he got hit by that car and crawled his way back to our garden, where my sister fortunately found him.

I just can't stop thinking about what my sister said when I asked her if she was okay. She said the worst bit of it all was that his meowing was so sad. Reading that text broke my heart.

Who's going to drink the milk from my cereal bowl when I've eaten the rest now? Who's going to flop onto the carpet on a sunny day with his flab splaying everywhere? Who's going to purr ridiculously loudly even when we sit down on the opposite side of the bed without looking at him?

Rest in peace my poor poor baby, you didn't deserve the hand you were dealt in the end ❤

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A Step In The Right Direction

So this post was meant to be posted a few weeks ago about my birthday trip to Paris in March. But then the attacks happened and I didn't feel right about posting it after that. It sounds strange, but maybe I'll post it at a later time. So this post will now be about Dubai.

I suffer from severe anxiety - but going to Dubai has actually helped me in ways I can't even explain. Both flights went well, I explored the city and most of all I enjoyed myself, instead of constantly thinking about getting back to the apartment.

I will do little reviews on things like the airline and places we ate at in the next few weeks, but for now I'll just give a little overview. 

The whole experience was pretty amazing, not somewhere I would've thought to go on holiday if my parents hadn't of moved there recently. And because they were at work a lot of the two weeks I got to go exploring by myself, in the first week, before my boyfriend arrived in the second. Pretty scary, but it was beautiful - especially at night!

The temperatures were actually alright, mainly staying around 30 degrees, and not the sticky, humid type we get in England either - so it was bearable! Also, with it being a Muslim country I was a little worried about how strict they'd be considering all the different things I'd heard, but it was actually alright because of all the expats that live over there.

Anyways, I'll stop rambling on for now and give you some photos from my trip: