Aimless and Unmotivated

Do you ever just feel like you're going through the motions, just going along with life as it sees fit, not how you would like it to go?

I don't know what's wrong with me of late, but I just cannot pull myself together.

I mean there's nothing wrong with my life, I just feel like I'm going nowhere.

I'm not motivated to run, I'm not motivated to write - blog posts or my book, I'm not motivated to do anything. Work doesn't seem as enjoyable anymore, I'm tired of living with these people but also scared to move on somewhere new.

I'm also at that point in the year where my body has decided it doesn't like the change in the weather so it's produced a mass outbreak all over my chest and back which, yanno, doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Grand.

I hate having these down moments and I feel awful for moaning about it considering these problems aren't proper problems for the likes of those who are homeless or disaster has struck their homes. Those people out there who would give anything for a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. But I guess everyone has their own problems to deal with.

The picture above was taken whilst I was at my grandparents on Saturday. It was the most relaxing long weekend I've had in a while.

I had from Wednesday off and I drove home on Thursday. I spent the majority of my time unpacking my room as it had all been packed up for my carpet to be redone (and if that doesn't contrast completely with a couple sentences above then I don't know what does). It was so calming to go through all my teenage memories and relive them.

I chucked a lot of stuff or bagged it for charities which made me feel like I was doing some good in the world.

I considered last year even going to another country to help in the rainforests or in building volunteer projects or in helping with disaster relief. But I didn't realise you had to pay a couple of grand just to volunteer. Why is the world ruled by money?

Getting sidetracked... anyways, after unpacking all of Friday and a bit of Thursday afternoon it was nice to spend the day at my grandparents and chill out in the sun. Their garden is so beautiful, full of colourful flowers and wildlife ornaments.

I sometimes wish I could spend more time there. Living in London has separated me from my family even more and it bugs me.

Adeel is so close to his family and gets to see them all very frequently. I feel like an awful granddaughter, cousin, sister, niece, friend because I'm never around.

I feel like I've already said all of this. But I don't feel needed.

And TV shows don't help. They're all perfect and beautiful. Yes they're not real but they make me feel insignificant and disgusted with myself.

God that was depressing. Just a big fat bleurgh of thoughts all over this page.

Now I'm going to go and finish reading HP7 because a little bit of magic always makes me feel better.

✌︎

TopGolf, Watford

If every weekend to come is like that one just was, I will be a very very happy girl.

Adeel was over for the whole weekend and we'd thought about going to TopGolf for a while as he'd been a few times before.

I love crazy golf as well so it seemed like the perfect thing to do.

Although, we could have picked a warmer day!

It was beautifully sunny though, just absolutely freezing.

I actually started my day off with a quick run (the photo above was taken at the end). I run around this tiny little walkthrough area that is coincidentally a figure of 8 shape, so perfect for laps.

After that, we got ready and drove to Watford. Even getting there at around 12 it was pretty busy, although nothing compared to when we left at around half 3!

We started off with the crazy golf course outside - a sixteen-hole course full of many obstacles including a number of small lakes (they provide nets for you to fish your ball out with, how thoughtful!), not that we need worry about them on our own venture around the course as they were all pretty frozen...

Then we went inside for some food (I ordered calamari and he ordered a burger - they were pretty darn good too!) and whilst we were waiting our turn came for the driving range. 

We each got twenty golf balls to hit as far as we could into any of the targets at varying distances. 

It's fair to say I couldn't hit it very far but I had a higher score for the most part of successfully hitting the targets.

Adeel hit it very far with power I couldn't even dream of matching, but his aim kept going to the left. All the better for me! Although he still beat me by one point in the end...

He beat me by a great margin at crazy golf too.

Clearly I need to work on my golfing skills.

Sunday was spent watching movies in bed all day, warming up after our frozen day out.

Perfect.

☽

Canterbury, Kent

I can't wait for the day when I won't be nervous before driving for more than ten minutes.

I drove to my dad's at the weekend.

I even took a half day off so that I could leave plenty of time before it got too dark and to beat the rush hour traffic.

But alas, that didn't work. Well, I didn't avoid the traffic that is.

For some reason, I saw that my petrol was at a half tank and I panicked, thinking an hour drive to Faversham would consume the other half.

What an idiot.

So instead of going straight onto the motorway, I looped around intending to go fill up before backing out literally last minute and having to join the motorway via the Beckton roundabout.

Now, most people have probably never had to use this roundabout but I listen to Heart every morning and there are always incidents on this damn roundabout.

And that day was no different.

Traffic lights were at green but no one could move.

We were all jammed into spaces in-between the traffic lights which coincidentally prevented anybody else from using other exits.

And then there was a lorry pulled over on the slipway with a police car diverting traffic around it.

I then proceeded to stall twice in a queue of traffic on the motorway (thank God we weren't really moving).

I got beeped at countless times for jumping lane last minute because that's one thing a sat nav on your phone does not tell you.

I stalled a further two times at one of the final junctions as I was pulling into Faversham.

BUT

I made it in one piece.

And the journey back on the Sunday was actually bliss (even though I was bricking it right before I left).

ANYWAY, this post was actually meant to be about the Saturday of my weekend with my dad when we popped over to Canterbury.

Two train stops from Faversham and you pull into a beautiful, medieval walled town.

The sun was shining. The park below the wall dotted with autumnal coloured leaves.

It was beautiful, and that was just entering Canterbury.

We wandered around the shops in the centre for a bit. 

Maybe I'm just used to a tacky town centre but this one was beautiful with a great variety of shops.

Cobbled streets. Christmas lights hanging ready to be lit. Timber-framed houses.

After a while - I may have picked up my first Christmas present of the year (you can never start too early) - we made a pitstop at Byron.

This was only the second time I've been in there, but, again, it was pretty darn good.

I went for the chicken burger with courgette fries this time. They were surprisingly good and not as filling as regular chips!

I really wanted an Oreo milkshake but I was too full. Sad times.

We did pop into a fudge shop on the way back though which made up for our lack of dessert.

I already can't wait to visit Canterbury again. You can take a river tour on the idyllic river, visit the cathedral, shop, eat or walk the Roman-built medieval walls.

A perfect autumnal day.

Medieval Rochester

I feel exhaustion deep in my bones this week. 

It seems working hard constantly for months on end is beginning to take it's toll.

Thank God I'm headed home this weekend. 

My mum and step-dad are coming back from Dubai for two weeks and I haven't seen them since early December so that should be nice.

Last weekend, however, I went to Faversham, right after work, to my dad's place.

I've only been there 3 times and only twice on the train after work. 

But I noticed the first time and this time going past a stunning harbour with a crumbling, cobblestoned town.

When we pulled into the station not long after these sights, the sign said 'Rochester'.

And funnily enough that's where my dad suggested we go the following day.

It  was supposed to be such a beautiful, warm weekend, but the weather wasn't all it was meant to be.

I still had a good time though.

We settled in to watch the Olympics on Friday night, my sister arriving a couple of hours after me.

And then on Saturday we headed to Rochester Castle where there happened to be a medieval festival on as well.

It  was definitely an interesting day.

People genuinely dress up in medieval gear and live like they did back then for an entire weekend.

Imagine that?

Medieval stories always fascinate me - Robin Hood, Merlin and Arthur, The Musketeers.

There's just something about sword fighting and men in armour that will capture my attention every time.

Anyways, I'm getting diverted. After wandering around the stalls for a bit (maybe stalls isn't the right word) and catching Pokemon, we decided to stay and see the falconry show.

There were about five birds they showcased - an eagle, two owls, a falcon and a vulture.

They were incredible.

They introduced their different talents: speed, sight, smell, flying.

I enjoyed watching the vulture the most. Apparently they are rubbish flyers, preferring to hop about. It's hilarious.

Another could watch TV from 2 miles away (if it was so inclined), it's eyesight is amazing.

They really are beautiful creatures.

There was a beautiful cathedral nearby but we didn't go in it in the end, just took photos of it.

We didn't go inside the castle either, but there was probably more to see in the grounds anyway.

We finished off the weekend watching The Hobbit, playing countless games of Uno and reading.

It  was such a relaxing weekend, I just wish it didn't go so quick!

♚

Memories And A Future Home

This past weekend I actually made an effort to go and see my little sister for once. I normally just seem to wait until my dad asks me to come down to his and she's either there or she isn't.

I was worried it would be a little awkward, what with not seeing her mum since her and my dad's divorce or spending any alone time with Holly... Ever. I mean, what do you even talk about with an eleven year old?

Anyways, it was completely fine. She chatted away amiably for the 6 or so hours we were together. I took her to my favourite park which we both just so happen to have visited countless times - Kelsey Park in Beckenham. We ambled around without an aim in the world, except for feeding the squirrels and ducks of course.

We wandered by the golf course but it was closed which was odd, so we grabbed an ice cream and continued feeding the wildlife along the way. After running out of bread we decided to head to the cinema as some thunderstorms were due in the afternoon.

We saw The Secret Life of Pets. It was an okay-ish film, but an easy one to watch nevertheless. Once the film was over we grabbed a bite to eat at Zizzi's, the one known for being the place David Bowie performed his first gig at I believe, when a pub stood there previously.

As we still had an hour and a bit to kill before I took her back, we headed back to the park to feed more squirrels and see if the golf course was open. It was and even though we heard a loud rumble of thunder in the distance, we decided to brave it and play anyway.

Of course, when we got to hole number two it decided to start raining, the thunder getting louder and louder as we went along and the rain plummeting down. We continued on nevertheless. Definitely a new experience!

But, after a good day, you know what stood out to me? Seeing this couple in the cinema, or, I should say, family.

Just before the lights went down a man and a woman came in with another man not far behind them, a toddler holding the woman's hand and a baby curled around the first man's torso. I'm not going to go into details of why this stood out to me because it could come across wrong, like I don't know how to explain it without sounding weird. But, the point is, they gave me hope.

I always get these moments where my hope dwindles and I wonder if me and A will ever get through our current issues, or why it's so hard or if it can even work. And then I see all these couples and it never really helps. But seeing this couple did, and it got me thinking about all sorts of memories.

Do you ever feel like there are specific scenes in your life that stand out in particular to you? They may seem like nothing at the time and then you find yourself not being able to stop thinking about them.

I have one from a few years back when things weren't going great. It was in the heat of summer, I actually had a day off of work and Adeel was visiting. We were literally just laying in our underwear on the bed sideways, a fan blowing cool tendrils over our skin and some unimportant game on in the background from the World Cup. His arm lay over me. I could feel his warmth behind me even though it was a sweltering hot day and, in that moment, life was perfect.

That memory got me through some of the tough times that came after. I don't know why because it probably didn't mean a thing to him, but it was so serene and uninterrupted.

It's moments like those that actually tend to be perfect and something you wish could go on longer.

And now I have another one from two weekends ago. Similar to the first, but different in so many ways regarding our headspace and the situation. I hadn't seen him in two weeks due to family commitments on both our parts and he came for the Friday night of that weekend. We literally crawled into bed, all snuggled in the dark and the rain was pouring outside.

For nights after and, even now, almost two weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it. It hasn't been needed to help get me through any panicky moments, because I'm glad to say that rarely happens anymore. The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because it's a sign of the future, something to look forward to every night. It doesn't have to be pouring outside but I get to know that I will always have him to come home to. No matter how good or bad a day was, I will always be able to curl up beside him and fall into a safe and peaceful sleep.

I don't know what brought this stream of thought on, but I guess it's just been one of those weeks where I've been able to appreciate what I do have.

I suppose the couple in the cinema and the memory from a couple of weekends ago just seemed to click into place making me feel unable to contain my excitement for the future.

A lot has happened this week that has made me think. Life is way too short to worry about all the crap that I do, and I know I can't seem to stop wishing away the present so the future will be here, but I've definitely been appreciating the smaller moments a bit more, the simple moments that are overlooked daily.

I've even been thinking back to the first days, weeks and months that I met Adeel and how everything has changed but gotten so much better.

Those moments will last a lifetime in my mind even if I can't paste them into a blog post or a scrapbook physically, they will always be with me because they are the moments that get me through, the moments that made us who we are and the ones I will treasure.

I know this post was probably a bit ramble-y, but I like doing these sort of ones. I feel like I can get more off of my chest and open up about things, in a healthy way, that have been bothering me.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

✌