Dear Diary: A Mix of Emotions

My housemate's girlfriend's dog looks like Gurgi from The Black Cauldron.

I hate change. It terrifies me. The future terrifies me. I guess I like to be in control. Anything different just seems to throw me off. And this week I've been all over the place.

My hormones have been terrible this week, way out of my control. I have felt so so alone and not good enough for anything. I've been having trouble with my driving and my doubts have crept their way back in, and all of that I could have dealt with.

It was even starting to improve yesterday.

And then at work a bombshell was dropped leaving our team shattered and beyond shocked.

My boss has suddenly, completely out-of-the-blue, decided to leave. In two days time.

It may not seem like such a bad thing to others but our little team of four gets on so so well. 

Seriously, we have had so many laughs and I think we've become really good friends, so to find out a mere ten minutes or so before the rest of the company that our boss, a guy that's been in the company for eight years and is pretty much the mogul of speccy excel formulas, is leaving is honestly devastating.

The three of us were just sat all day in complete shock.

I honestly can't see how the company can work without him. There's now going to be all these changes and a reshuffling and relocating for the rest of the team.

I hate that idea. I love my job, so much more than I thought I could ever love it, but for it to now change (so drastically by the sounds of it!) is terrifying.

I've actually been holding in my tears all day, it's affected me that much.

He was the best boss I could have wished for, a wonderful teacher and a great person in general.

And now I have another dilemma tied in with this.

No one but my boss knows how to do my job, so he is obviously the only one who can cover me if I go away.

And a week or so ago I kind of decided I wanted to take a week away to myself, to drive to Ireland and relax.

I've been working very hard at my job but I haven't been away properly since last November, so I think I'm in need of a good rest.

Plus, I feel like I'm relying too much on Adeel. I feel so lost whenever he isn't here.

It's sad because I know I should find my independence and I do have it, like I tend to prefer my own company a lot of the time, it's like being around people too long drains me and all I end up wanting to do is curl up in a ball and read quietly.

But Adeel is the exception.

I never get sick of him (I hope this will still be true later down the line!) and I find myself craving his company.

I don't do things at the weekend unless they're with him. I don't want to go away without him. I don't even want to go running or driving without him. I want to spend every holiday with him and watch all the new film releases with him.

So, although I don't want to be away from him, I really think I should take some time for myself to clear the fog that's crept into my brain of late, to take risks by myself and for myself so I can come back stronger and not feel like I have to constantly rely on anyone.

I should thrust myself into the deep end and take a chance.

I was really excited for this idea, albeit terrified at the same time, and now I don't even know if I can or should do it with what's going on at work.

I haven't booked anything yet but I know where I want to go and roughly when with the odd idea of what I'm going to do whilst I'm there.

And okay, it may not be completely solo, my sister may join me if she has the money/can get the time off from her new job.

But, either way, it would be nice to get some sisterly bonding in there too as we used to get on so well before I went to uni. Although, it's not like we don't get on now, we're just distanced because of our physical whereabouts.

So, if my boss is leaving and no one else knows how to do my job how can I possibly take a full week off? All I'd be doing in my time off would be worrying about what's going on at work and that's not a real break, that's worse.

AGH, I don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore ☹

Memories And A Future Home

This past weekend I actually made an effort to go and see my little sister for once. I normally just seem to wait until my dad asks me to come down to his and she's either there or she isn't.

I was worried it would be a little awkward, what with not seeing her mum since her and my dad's divorce or spending any alone time with Holly... Ever. I mean, what do you even talk about with an eleven year old?

Anyways, it was completely fine. She chatted away amiably for the 6 or so hours we were together. I took her to my favourite park which we both just so happen to have visited countless times - Kelsey Park in Beckenham. We ambled around without an aim in the world, except for feeding the squirrels and ducks of course.

We wandered by the golf course but it was closed which was odd, so we grabbed an ice cream and continued feeding the wildlife along the way. After running out of bread we decided to head to the cinema as some thunderstorms were due in the afternoon.

We saw The Secret Life of Pets. It was an okay-ish film, but an easy one to watch nevertheless. Once the film was over we grabbed a bite to eat at Zizzi's, the one known for being the place David Bowie performed his first gig at I believe, when a pub stood there previously.

As we still had an hour and a bit to kill before I took her back, we headed back to the park to feed more squirrels and see if the golf course was open. It was and even though we heard a loud rumble of thunder in the distance, we decided to brave it and play anyway.

Of course, when we got to hole number two it decided to start raining, the thunder getting louder and louder as we went along and the rain plummeting down. We continued on nevertheless. Definitely a new experience!

But, after a good day, you know what stood out to me? Seeing this couple in the cinema, or, I should say, family.

Just before the lights went down a man and a woman came in with another man not far behind them, a toddler holding the woman's hand and a baby curled around the first man's torso. I'm not going to go into details of why this stood out to me because it could come across wrong, like I don't know how to explain it without sounding weird. But, the point is, they gave me hope.

I always get these moments where my hope dwindles and I wonder if me and A will ever get through our current issues, or why it's so hard or if it can even work. And then I see all these couples and it never really helps. But seeing this couple did, and it got me thinking about all sorts of memories.

Do you ever feel like there are specific scenes in your life that stand out in particular to you? They may seem like nothing at the time and then you find yourself not being able to stop thinking about them.

I have one from a few years back when things weren't going great. It was in the heat of summer, I actually had a day off of work and Adeel was visiting. We were literally just laying in our underwear on the bed sideways, a fan blowing cool tendrils over our skin and some unimportant game on in the background from the World Cup. His arm lay over me. I could feel his warmth behind me even though it was a sweltering hot day and, in that moment, life was perfect.

That memory got me through some of the tough times that came after. I don't know why because it probably didn't mean a thing to him, but it was so serene and uninterrupted.

It's moments like those that actually tend to be perfect and something you wish could go on longer.

And now I have another one from two weekends ago. Similar to the first, but different in so many ways regarding our headspace and the situation. I hadn't seen him in two weeks due to family commitments on both our parts and he came for the Friday night of that weekend. We literally crawled into bed, all snuggled in the dark and the rain was pouring outside.

For nights after and, even now, almost two weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it. It hasn't been needed to help get me through any panicky moments, because I'm glad to say that rarely happens anymore. The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because it's a sign of the future, something to look forward to every night. It doesn't have to be pouring outside but I get to know that I will always have him to come home to. No matter how good or bad a day was, I will always be able to curl up beside him and fall into a safe and peaceful sleep.

I don't know what brought this stream of thought on, but I guess it's just been one of those weeks where I've been able to appreciate what I do have.

I suppose the couple in the cinema and the memory from a couple of weekends ago just seemed to click into place making me feel unable to contain my excitement for the future.

A lot has happened this week that has made me think. Life is way too short to worry about all the crap that I do, and I know I can't seem to stop wishing away the present so the future will be here, but I've definitely been appreciating the smaller moments a bit more, the simple moments that are overlooked daily.

I've even been thinking back to the first days, weeks and months that I met Adeel and how everything has changed but gotten so much better.

Those moments will last a lifetime in my mind even if I can't paste them into a blog post or a scrapbook physically, they will always be with me because they are the moments that get me through, the moments that made us who we are and the ones I will treasure.

I know this post was probably a bit ramble-y, but I like doing these sort of ones. I feel like I can get more off of my chest and open up about things, in a healthy way, that have been bothering me.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

✌

Goodbye Smudge

So, I've missed a few of my regular posting times/days and the last post I did was hastily done. It's been a rough few weeks with intermittent health issues, internet problems and the death of my cat.

It may seem silly to some for me to be so distraught over a cat dying, but he really was a part of the family. Like, I used to hate that saying, but I really can see it now. The pets are as good a part of us as our parents or siblings. I mean, it tends to be the animals I'm really looking forward to on a visit home. 

Sad, I know.

He was always there since I was about ten or eleven years old, doing stupid things, making us laugh. When he was a kitten, he would get into the christmas tree and sit in there until he decided to pull it down instead or tear up bits of baubles and tinsel. And even last christmas he got into the box of tinsel with eyes the size of saucers. He was so mischievous and a pain in the ass, but we loved him anyway.

It's not just that he's gone, it's more that he's left such a big empty space behind, and that's not because he was such a fat cat. I don't even live at home anymore with all of our family pets, but it's still weird to think that he's not there anymore. I've kind of even been putting off going home because, although I know he's gone, it confirms it, in a way, if I go back.

Who would have thought it would take a cat dying to make me feel more appreciative of the time I do spend with people? It's just so weird, I was at home three days before he got hit by that car and crawled his way back to our garden, where my sister fortunately found him.

I just can't stop thinking about what my sister said when I asked her if she was okay. She said the worst bit of it all was that his meowing was so sad. Reading that text broke my heart.

Who's going to drink the milk from my cereal bowl when I've eaten the rest now? Who's going to flop onto the carpet on a sunny day with his flab splaying everywhere? Who's going to purr ridiculously loudly even when we sit down on the opposite side of the bed without looking at him?

Rest in peace my poor poor baby, you didn't deserve the hand you were dealt in the end ❤

✝