Lazy

You know when you're just too lazy to do anything?

Yeah, I feel like that now.

In fact I've felt like it for a few weeks now.

My eating habits have become worse, I haven't been consistently running, I can't be assed to blog and I'm just tired of everything.

I'm also majorly busy at work and have so much to do at home as well that I just find myself not feeling like I have much time for anything these days.

I need to start organising myself better again and getting my motivation back.

I promise I will get back into blogging again, it's just for now I feel no urge to do it.

Write soon x

😴

TopGolf, Watford

If every weekend to come is like that one just was, I will be a very very happy girl.

Adeel was over for the whole weekend and we'd thought about going to TopGolf for a while as he'd been a few times before.

I love crazy golf as well so it seemed like the perfect thing to do.

Although, we could have picked a warmer day!

It was beautifully sunny though, just absolutely freezing.

I actually started my day off with a quick run (the photo above was taken at the end). I run around this tiny little walkthrough area that is coincidentally a figure of 8 shape, so perfect for laps.

After that, we got ready and drove to Watford. Even getting there at around 12 it was pretty busy, although nothing compared to when we left at around half 3!

We started off with the crazy golf course outside - a sixteen-hole course full of many obstacles including a number of small lakes (they provide nets for you to fish your ball out with, how thoughtful!), not that we need worry about them on our own venture around the course as they were all pretty frozen...

Then we went inside for some food (I ordered calamari and he ordered a burger - they were pretty darn good too!) and whilst we were waiting our turn came for the driving range. 

We each got twenty golf balls to hit as far as we could into any of the targets at varying distances. 

It's fair to say I couldn't hit it very far but I had a higher score for the most part of successfully hitting the targets.

Adeel hit it very far with power I couldn't even dream of matching, but his aim kept going to the left. All the better for me! Although he still beat me by one point in the end...

He beat me by a great margin at crazy golf too.

Clearly I need to work on my golfing skills.

Sunday was spent watching movies in bed all day, warming up after our frozen day out.

Perfect.

☽

Two Thousand And Seventeen

Happy New Year!

As always, my intention to blog got sidetracked this Christmas period...

I managed the few odd days but I didn't post everything I wanted to, leaving me with things overhanging into the New Year.

I've literally just been texting my friend about setting goals for the year.

We've both already set our Goodreads one (mine's set for 50 books this year) and I've also just set my running one - 180 miles. That's more than double what I did this year but I'm feeling optimistic.

All that's left really are the standard New Year resolutions.

Now, I haven't thoroughly thought these through but I may come back and add to them if I can think of any more!

Here they are:

✽ To be kinder. I'm not sure why exactly, but I don't feel like I've been a very nice person of late so this year I'd like to stop, take a moment, and think before I open my mouth.

✽To move out of this house. It's been mentioned numerous times on my behalf but I'm determined that that was the last New Years in this house.

✽To visit at least three countries whether that be alone or with someone. I want to break out of my comfort zone and start exploring. Maybe my love for photography will also come back if I don't have any teacher-set boundaries.

✽To spend a bit more time offline. Now that I'm working in an office, I realise I spend the majority of my time looking at a screen of some sort and quite frankly I'm worried I'm wasting my life watching TV or scrolling aimlessly through blogs. It's time to log off a bit more.

✽I hate myself for this one but I would like to eat less sugar. I have a real sweet tooth but I'm worried with the amount I consume. It may not be pretty for my moods for the first little while but I noticed a big difference in my energy levels when I started to eat more fruit and veg and maybe my skin will clear up with less sugar in my diet!

✽To get out more. To Adeel's annoyance I've suddenly always got ants in my pants in the fact that I always want to get out at a weekend and actually do something. I'm tired of sitting in all the time, watching TV. I want to go out for breakfast, I want to go to the top of the Shard (I work right next to it for God's sake!), I want to go on spontaneous road trips whether that be a half hour drive away or an eight hour drive away, I even want to go out in the evenings to a bar maybe or whatever people my age tend to do - I may not like it but at least I can say I've tried it again. This also includes more date-like activities. We did a little better this year but a lot of stuff kept getting in the way. I want time for us to be together.

✽To finish my darn book! I have got to stop writing this as a goal and actually do it. I'm quite close to be fair but I still think it needs a lot of work and I'm terrified of actually handing it over to a publishing company which is probably why I keep putting off finishing it...

✽To stop hoarding. I have so much stuff that I have absolutely no room in this one bedroom I rent. Unless I absolutely love a book or a piece of clothing or an object, I want to give it away. Others are in need of things and I feel awful for having all this stuff that probably goes to waste. I have already started to give my old clothes away but I want to continue.

✽Improve. I've decided this is going to be my word of the year. I constantly want to be improving in myself, my work, my art, my experiences, my relationships, my goals.

Wishing you all the best for the year to come.



∞

What I'm Loving Right Now

It's been a while since I've done one of these roundups.

I might try and make them a monthly thing next year so it seems a bit more consistent round here.

But, we'll see how that goes!

Also, in my last post I said I'd go over my week at home before realising there's not that much to go over, just a few photos to share which are in this post.

Anyways, here's what I'm loving right now:

1) Re-reading the Harry Potter series - mateeeeeeee, I love these books. I've been meaning to re-read them for some time of late but have just had so many other books piling up in my room that I felt it was stupid to re-read something that's, obviously, already been read. I stopped caring though. Fantastic Beasts has just come out, it's almost Christmas and there's just something about these magical books that are all Christmassy for me. LOVE IT.

2) Selection of movies on at the moment at the cinema - Apart from the annoying fact they moved Underworld: Blood War to FEBRUARY, God damn it, I am thoroughly looking forward to seeing Bad Santa 2, Fantastic Beasts, Allied and Sully.

3) Nearly finished all my Christmas shopping - I am usually pretty organised but last year (I don't know why) was awful. I mean I didn't buy my step-dad's presents until August, August ffs. Granted I wasn't seeing him til late August, but still. I just have three or four more people left to buy for and then I just need to wrap everything and write my cards and hey ho I'm done.

4) Have passed four years with Adeel and starting to plan more things for the future - I'm hesitant to say anything really because every time I do it doesn't happen, but we might have actually mentioned about three holidays next year and I AM SO EXCITED. I have been dying to go away and nothing has fallen into place so I've been awfully grumpy. These past four years have also been the best and I can't wait to spend many more years to come with the love of my life.

5) Even though I feel like I've had a bit of a shit couple of months, I'm really appreciating my friends and family right now, Adeel as well  - I don't know what's going on at the moment with everything, with me, my bladdy hormones flying everywhere. But I am so angry all of the damn time, I've cried a lot, and I'm just plain aggravated at the slightest thing. I've felt awfully alone and considering I'm in a houseshare in London, I really shouldn't feel that way. But I've met up and chatted deeply with my close friends and family so am feeling a bit happier now.

6) Eating healthier and running consistently still (ish) - Okay, so as I write this I may have just demolished a dominoes pizza and cookies and I may have also had a chinese a few days ago and not eaten much fruit this week or ran so far this week, but hellooo it's my week off. I've started alternating having sandwiches for lunch with salads (made by me, not those pre-made ones doused in dressing) at work and I'm trying to eat three or four fruits also a day, as well as having pretty healthy dinners and not eating as much sugar as normal. AND even though it's winter, we're still running about twice a week around other things that crop up. So, sort of doing well, aha.

7) Writing is really coming along - As in I literally only have a few more chapters to write up from my first draft and then I can just get cracking on editing and adding extra scenes in that I may have missed in my haste the first time. And then it's just trying to get published. Oh God...

8) I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! - I missed last years show due to being in Dubai for two weeks at the end of November and I was gutted. This is the one show out of X-Factor, Strictly, Britain's Got Talent that I genuinely love. The others I can do without (in fact I do without most of them), but there's just something about watching celebs suffer out of their usual environment that's so entertaining!

What I'm Loving Right Now

For the last few weeks now, I've left it until the last possible minute to write these posts, I've taken pretty much three weeks off of running with going back home a couple of times and I seem to have lost all motivation of writing again.

Maybe it's because it's the end of summer and as the colder weather starts to creep back in I'm feeling a different kind of lazy.

The summer lazy is understandable, it's warm, you're sleepy, it's nice to just lounge in the sun, etcetera etcetera.

But this kind of lazy is just a tiredness in which I can't find the motivation to do anything. 

I've been powering through One Tree Hill again and they've just graduated high school and it's gone on to being four years later and it just astounds me that the majority of them can have their dreams come true so quickly. (I know it's just a TV show but it makes me want to work a little harder for my dream).

I really really want to be a writer, someone who writes incredible novels that people want to pick up and read, maybe even a bestseller. But, although I've written one novel (and am still in the process of editing it), I'm terrified it won't be good enough.

Like, there are so many stories and books out there that why would anyone decide to choose mine to read?

I don't know what to do, so I keep reading for inspiration.

I may start writing snippets that come into my head on here - unrelated to my book, just peaks into other stories I may expand on in the future.

I'm too scared of what others may think, but I also need opinions and giving it to my friends and family to read is one thing, but they're obviously going to be biased.

A couple of posts ago I wrote about facing your fears, and this is one I've yet to overcome.

Anyway, rambling aside, here are the things I've been loving recently:

Images From Pinterest

1. TV - The Musketeers, The Strain, Containment, Stranger Things - I just think TV has gotten so much better of late. I loved the final season of The Musketeers, it obviously wasn't the most realistic of endings but I wouldn't have exactly been happy if they'd killed anyone else off! Containment and Stranger Things are two new series I've been trying and they are so so good right now. I think with both of them I have about three episodes left of each! The Strain has also just re-started for it's third season and I have to say, it is so tense and gripping. I LOVE IT. (I seem to have a weird obsession with virus-y type programmes of late).

2. iPhone SE - I upgraded a few days ago, and although it looks exactly the same as my 5S, it is rose gold and has way more space for my photos. IOS 10 is also amazing. Me and Adeel have pretty much been conversing in GIFs alone of late, it's hilarious.

3. Fred Perry shoes - I wanted some new white plimsol-like trainers for ages and I saw this cute pair on ASOS. They weren't by any means cheap, and they are definitely a little dirtier now, but they're cute and I can wear them with anything.

4. Driving - I'm slowly gaining my confidence with driving again. I keep getting sudden urges to drive a bit further than just around the block or to Tescos, but I'm not entirely sure where to go. I need a proper destination and to set up my phone so that I can use it as a SatNav before I try anything too far!

5. My boyfriend - It's coming up to our four year anniversary and I'm mega excited. Not because we've planned anything special yet or anything, just because it means we will have gotten past the point last time in the relationship where we couldn't figure out how to go further. (Plus it's been four years ago around this time that we met each other for the first time! Eek.)

6. My friends - since spending time at home and being able to see my friends again (and getting my car), I've been thinking about trying to see them all a bit more. It's so difficult us all living so far apart, but hopefully the car will help with that. It's great to spend time with them, it makes me feel like I'm not alone, even just texting them. (I've been feeling very lonely of late and I'm not sure why.)

7. Working on my future - I've been at my job now, officially, for just coming up to a year (it's been a bit longer if you include work experience and interning too). We've just had our annual review things and I've been looking at new places to live and trying to get back into my writing again. It's a slow process but the future is looking bright, I hope :)

Letting Go Of Fear

I've realised of late that I've been letting fear get the better of me again.

It's not anywhere near as bad as last time, in fact it's a whole different kind of fear (not so much the emetophobia I suffered from before, fear fear).

I've been going running now for quite a few months, yet every time my housemate is busy I feel like I can't go without him for fear of being attacked or laughed at or judged.

It may sound silly, but I've heard a lot of "horror" stories, as it were, about solo female runners and, well, I don't exactly feel like I live in the safest of areas.

So, the solution would be to run in a more public place right? 

Wrong. 

I can't stand the idea of being all sweaty and out of breath and hideous in front of loads of strangers in cars, on bikes, in groups. It makes my heart get all jittery and my stomach ties itself into a million knots.

I just feel ridiculous and like a coward, yet this is the one exercise I've found I really enjoy and keeps me fit and motivated.

There's also the fact that I just bought my first car and I drove it back to London and all of that weekend with my boyfriend beside me, giving me pointers and whatnot, comforting me.

But there comes a point when one must attempt it alone.

It terrifies me that after four years since passing my test they just allow you to get behind the steering wheel once more without so much as a freshen up of a driving lesson as a requirement.

I guess it's difficult for that sort of thing to be enforced but trying to get used to driving again with all the things you have to keep an eye on and all the things you have to remember and getting used to a new car is really really daunting and hard, especially in London.

I won't wear dresses or skirts or show much leg at all because I think they're too pale and people will judge me.

I don't tend to go places alone, especially not restaurants, for fear of looking like a loner or getting picked on by some weirdo. 

It always happens, even just walking down the street, some weirdo will pick me to hurl his insults at or (and this is probably worse) the wolf whistling and cat-calling. It's horrible. I can never tell whether they're being serious or not. Plus it makes me feel really uncomfortable, either way.

I won't finish my book because I'm scared it's just not good enough. I keep putting it off even though I love writing it.

I feel like a coward and like I'm being stupid because I can't seem to work up the courage to do any of these things alone or at all.

What happened to being a strong, independent woman huh if I need someone to do these things with me?

---

I wrote this post a few days ago.

Since then, I have in fact driven by myself - albeit only around the block a few times. But I managed to parallel park by myself and I didn't stall once. That equals success in my books.

I wore a dress today, out in Westfield, on a busy Sunday and I ran by myself this morning.

I still need to work on them, trust me, but there's still time to progress.

I will beat back my fears one step at a time.

What I'm Loving Right Now

It seems summertime is when all my time is eaten up by countless trips home, social events and actually going out with my boyfriend.

It was only a mere few months ago that I remember complaining to my housemate that I never do anything on weekends. I just sit at home and watch TV.

But, now, I don't honestly remember a weekend that I haven't been busy.

Today is the first day in ages that I feel like I can get back to my usual self and slob out. Except, because I haven't done it in a while, it feels wrong and I have all this pent up energy spent on doing nothing.

Eh, who am I to complain?

Here are the things I've been loving recently:

1. One Tree Hill - yes, I've given in and am re-watching it for the third time. I just can't seem to get enough of all the drama and twists in this ridiculous programme. I had to find something to fill the PLL-shaped hole (although I am watching series 7 of it, but weekly episodes is never as good as a full on binge).

2. Travel confidence/striving to better my anxiety again and again - This goes hand in hand with the following point but it deserves its own mention to be honest. It wasn't all that long ago that I felt jittery and worried about leaving the house, even for work, let alone letting it all go and just going everywhere and anywhere I get the opportunity to. Beckenham, home, Faversham, Oxford. It may not seem a lot to those accustomed to just following their heart, but I'm proud of myself for how far I've come and how much I can truly push myself.

3. Oxford meal with Adeel and his work colleagues - Last Friday I left work at 4 o'clock, headed to Paddington for the first time and caught a train to little ol' Oxford for a three course meal in a boathouse. It was amazing. I'm going to do a full post about it later down the line, but it deserves a quick mention as I just loved it. Take me back.

4. The City of Mirrors - mannnnnn, this is also going to get its own post in review format but this book! Final instalment of Justin Cronin's vampire, end-of-the-world trilogy and it was as good as I could have hoped and better. READ THEM.

5. Runtastic - hey, look who's kept it up and hasn't given in to laziness again?? I'm actually loving it, it's hard work and a killer on those muscles, but the feeling of completing 1-2 miles twice a week is the best feeling ever and this app is a huge motivator.

6. Empire soundtrack - I'm always looking for new music since joining Spotify and the Empire season has not long finished and I found myself craving to hear Jussie Smollett's lovely tones. Powerful and You're So Beautiful seem to be my favourites at the moment.

7. Counting down the days to moving out - okay, so we haven't set a date or anything for actually moving in together, but it is getting nearer and nearer to our presumed month at least. I just cannot wait to leave this shared accommodation and live with my best friend and boyfriend. Sure, he'll probably drive me nuts at some point but, God, give me that any day over sharing with someone I completely loath.



✌

What I Want To Do In The Next 6 Months

I just sat opposite a man on the tube who had the hairiest chest and, equally, hairy mole right on his chin. I honestly thought he had a goatee at first... Whoops.

Anyways, as my countdown app kindly reminded me this morning, it's just six months to Christmas (as I write this post) and that brings me to look back on my resolutions from January. 

I haven't quite achieved many of them as of yet, but I've created another similar list of goals in this post of what I would like to have achieved in the next 6 months.

I don't know how much I can actually accomplish with my ever dwindling motivation, but maybe this will get my butt into gear. So here goes:

1. To visit home/friends/my dad more

2. To book my trip to Venice

3. To buy a sketch book and start drawing again

4. To finish the second draft of my novel

5. To travel more, even if just in England

6. To do a writing retreat and lock myself in a hotel away from home and get a substantial amount of writing done

7. To find more inspiration. Create mood boards if I have to in order for my motivation to return

8. To meet some more of Adeel's family

9. And to equally not worry so much about it and what people think

10. To celebrate Adeel's new job (when he gets one)

11. To donate money and the rest of my unwanted clothes to charity

12. To have a clear out and a tidy up of my room

13. To take more photos in photo booths or more photos in general

14. To decide when I want to return to Dubai and visit my mum and Neil

15. To run 96 more miles

16. To increase the percentage of my wages going in to my pension

17. To stop buying cheap clothes that always seem to fray or break easily, buy something expensive and durable

18. To find a new home, one that we can start calling our own with new furniture and everything

19. To give away or sell all my old textbooks

20. To spend more time offline



✌

Resting Bitch Face Problems

So this weekend I finally managed to finish or, at least, get up to date with Pretty Little Liars and in perfect timing too as the new series starts next week. 

Even just a day going by knowing that I have nothing new to watch from them is making me feel lost. That feeling you get every time you finish a TV series, you never know what to do with yourself!

In other news, I'm really beginning to push myself when I'm running. We are slowly being able to run longer and improve the breathing techniques and, well, just get better in general. I'm really surprised at how much I actually love it.

That's not what this post is about though.

This post is about that good ol' term resting bitch face and the problems I know I've definitely noticed of dealing with it.

A (not Pretty Little Liars A, my A... aha) and I were talking about this the other weekend when he was here. I keep moaning about all these people that never move out of my way, like I am always the one that needs to move if someone is walking in my direction. Even if they are a group and I literally have nowhere else to go. 

It's so frustrating.

Yet, the seas of people part for A - which was tested out thoroughly in Westfield funnily enough. He said you have to show strength and look like you aren't going to give in to moving. But, I know damn well that half of the time when I'm walking somewhere (more like 90% of the time) I will have a resting bitch face - which, in my opinion, is pretty much the look that says you aren't gonna move. 

Is that why they don't move though?

It's nothing I choose to have, it's just there, the frustration at slow walkers and tourists etched all over my face. But if I see someone else with that sort of face, I, well, move for them because they look like a moody cow. 

Just saying.

So, is it something about me that people don't want to move for? Is it because they presume I'm a moody cow and that it's not just how my face is when I'm not thinking about anything? Or am I just unfortunate enough to think I'm running into all of the annoying people when I shouldn't even take any notice?

It's probably because I get annoyed so easily at anything and everything that this even bothers me. I can get quite moody a lot of the time.

But, I always judge other people by their resting bitch faces, assuming that they are just stuck up, but maybe I shouldn't if I suffer from the same problem. 

I think it's weird though that people expect you to walk around with a smile on your face, yet if I see someone, alone, and smiling it's just weird. Or if you come into the office and people ask you if something's wrong. Nope, just my face!

I just don't know how to change my face, to soften it or something when I'm walking to and from work. It means I will always have to be concentrating on that instead of just letting my mind wander and my face rest in it's bitch-like state.

I guess I could always walk slower instead of powering through everyone like a bowling ball through an arrangement of pins. But I don't like dawdling unless I'm on holiday.

I guess I'll figure something out or just stop caring in the end.

I do love that term though. Resting bitch face. Who comes up with this stuff?!

Do you suffer from the resting bitch face?



✌

What I'm Loving Right Now

I meant to make this a sort of series but, yanno, I don't think I post regularly enough for that. My blog would just consist of these posts and reviews if that were to happen.

Maybe one day when I can find some sort of motivation again. I swear, I used to be so good at being organised, turning up early, having presents and cards ready in advance, buying products way before they run out. But now, no, I'm Miss Disorganised and can't seem to find where I put my motivation.

Anyways, without any further ado, here are the things that I'm loving right now:

1. Audible - I recently wrote a review of listening to my first audiobook and I just have to share my love for them again. Honestly, they are genius. I'm currently listening to The Silmarillion (as I tried to read it and just couldn't get into it properly!) and I already can't stop thinking ahead about which one I'm going to use my precious monthly credit on next.

2. Dracula - I have finally, finally read Dracula (review to come when I finish all of the other horror stories within this book)! It was easier to read than I first anticipated which was a surprise and now I really want to see Christopher Lee's film adaptations!

3. Formula 1 - The season has started again and I am loving every second of it, even more so that it's on Channel 4 now and the presenters don't irritate me. I was a little bored at the end of the last season as the Mercedes team were constantly winning (started off that way this season too), but then the last two races were shocking and exciting and I'm hooked all over again.

4. Running - I don't know if I've mentioned it on my blog yet (probably not as I wanted to see how it went) but I've recently started running. I couldn't find myself getting into a proper routine doing the abs and squats each week so I thought I'd try something new. I'd heard a lot about how it's a good stress/anxiety reliever, and so far I am thoroughly enjoying it!

5. Game of Thrones - apart from episode 6, I think every episode of this new season has been action-packed, fast-paced and full to the brim with unexpected twists! I just. GAME. OF. THRONES ❤ can't wait for the last few episodes.

6. Avocados - my new obsession and they're healthy, result! Absolutely love adding these to a salad to put with my dinner, even tried it in a Spanish omelette yesterday and it was to die for ❤ ❤ ❤ still need to try it on toast tho.

7. Warmer weather - I used to hate heat and the summer months but, now, I'm really starting to enjoy them. Everyone is so much happier and it's all chilled and beaut. Don't get me wrong tho, I still enjoy winter, I will forever be a winter girl, with my constant freezing cold hands and feet!

What have you been loving lately?

✌