Aimless and Unmotivated

Do you ever just feel like you're going through the motions, just going along with life as it sees fit, not how you would like it to go?

I don't know what's wrong with me of late, but I just cannot pull myself together.

I mean there's nothing wrong with my life, I just feel like I'm going nowhere.

I'm not motivated to run, I'm not motivated to write - blog posts or my book, I'm not motivated to do anything. Work doesn't seem as enjoyable anymore, I'm tired of living with these people but also scared to move on somewhere new.

I'm also at that point in the year where my body has decided it doesn't like the change in the weather so it's produced a mass outbreak all over my chest and back which, yanno, doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Grand.

I hate having these down moments and I feel awful for moaning about it considering these problems aren't proper problems for the likes of those who are homeless or disaster has struck their homes. Those people out there who would give anything for a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. But I guess everyone has their own problems to deal with.

The picture above was taken whilst I was at my grandparents on Saturday. It was the most relaxing long weekend I've had in a while.

I had from Wednesday off and I drove home on Thursday. I spent the majority of my time unpacking my room as it had all been packed up for my carpet to be redone (and if that doesn't contrast completely with a couple sentences above then I don't know what does). It was so calming to go through all my teenage memories and relive them.

I chucked a lot of stuff or bagged it for charities which made me feel like I was doing some good in the world.

I considered last year even going to another country to help in the rainforests or in building volunteer projects or in helping with disaster relief. But I didn't realise you had to pay a couple of grand just to volunteer. Why is the world ruled by money?

Getting sidetracked... anyways, after unpacking all of Friday and a bit of Thursday afternoon it was nice to spend the day at my grandparents and chill out in the sun. Their garden is so beautiful, full of colourful flowers and wildlife ornaments.

I sometimes wish I could spend more time there. Living in London has separated me from my family even more and it bugs me.

Adeel is so close to his family and gets to see them all very frequently. I feel like an awful granddaughter, cousin, sister, niece, friend because I'm never around.

I feel like I've already said all of this. But I don't feel needed.

And TV shows don't help. They're all perfect and beautiful. Yes they're not real but they make me feel insignificant and disgusted with myself.

God that was depressing. Just a big fat bleurgh of thoughts all over this page.

Now I'm going to go and finish reading HP7 because a little bit of magic always makes me feel better.

✌︎

Two Thousand And Seventeen

Happy New Year!

As always, my intention to blog got sidetracked this Christmas period...

I managed the few odd days but I didn't post everything I wanted to, leaving me with things overhanging into the New Year.

I've literally just been texting my friend about setting goals for the year.

We've both already set our Goodreads one (mine's set for 50 books this year) and I've also just set my running one - 180 miles. That's more than double what I did this year but I'm feeling optimistic.

All that's left really are the standard New Year resolutions.

Now, I haven't thoroughly thought these through but I may come back and add to them if I can think of any more!

Here they are:

✽ To be kinder. I'm not sure why exactly, but I don't feel like I've been a very nice person of late so this year I'd like to stop, take a moment, and think before I open my mouth.

✽To move out of this house. It's been mentioned numerous times on my behalf but I'm determined that that was the last New Years in this house.

✽To visit at least three countries whether that be alone or with someone. I want to break out of my comfort zone and start exploring. Maybe my love for photography will also come back if I don't have any teacher-set boundaries.

✽To spend a bit more time offline. Now that I'm working in an office, I realise I spend the majority of my time looking at a screen of some sort and quite frankly I'm worried I'm wasting my life watching TV or scrolling aimlessly through blogs. It's time to log off a bit more.

✽I hate myself for this one but I would like to eat less sugar. I have a real sweet tooth but I'm worried with the amount I consume. It may not be pretty for my moods for the first little while but I noticed a big difference in my energy levels when I started to eat more fruit and veg and maybe my skin will clear up with less sugar in my diet!

✽To get out more. To Adeel's annoyance I've suddenly always got ants in my pants in the fact that I always want to get out at a weekend and actually do something. I'm tired of sitting in all the time, watching TV. I want to go out for breakfast, I want to go to the top of the Shard (I work right next to it for God's sake!), I want to go on spontaneous road trips whether that be a half hour drive away or an eight hour drive away, I even want to go out in the evenings to a bar maybe or whatever people my age tend to do - I may not like it but at least I can say I've tried it again. This also includes more date-like activities. We did a little better this year but a lot of stuff kept getting in the way. I want time for us to be together.

✽To finish my darn book! I have got to stop writing this as a goal and actually do it. I'm quite close to be fair but I still think it needs a lot of work and I'm terrified of actually handing it over to a publishing company which is probably why I keep putting off finishing it...

✽To stop hoarding. I have so much stuff that I have absolutely no room in this one bedroom I rent. Unless I absolutely love a book or a piece of clothing or an object, I want to give it away. Others are in need of things and I feel awful for having all this stuff that probably goes to waste. I have already started to give my old clothes away but I want to continue.

✽Improve. I've decided this is going to be my word of the year. I constantly want to be improving in myself, my work, my art, my experiences, my relationships, my goals.

Wishing you all the best for the year to come.



∞

What I'm Loving Right Now

As I'm writing this, I'm sat here with a mountain of scrunched up tissues, sniffling away with a red-raw nose. You gotta love having the flu, right?

So I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for a little pick-me-up in the form of What I'm Loving Right Now.

1) Converse - my sister bought me this glowing pair for Christmas (they're almost as white as my pale, pale legs... I joke, sort of...). Because they're white I've been putting off wearing them for fear of getting them dirty. I know they're going to get dirty eventually but with it still being winter with rain and squelchy mud everywhere I'd rather not take the chance. But I did wear them for the first time a few days ago, and I love them.

2) Pretty Little Liars - my new obsession. I've been meaning to start something new for ages and just couldn't decide, so settled for One Tree Hill, again. PLL was recommended to me ages ago by a close friend and I'm happy to say I have finally started it! Well, when I say started I mean I'm already 17 episodes in. In four days... Whoops. To be fair, I have been pretty much bed-bound since Saturday. Thank God for Netflix, ey?

3) Goodreads Challenge - after setting myself the challenge to read 30 books this year, I've definitely been pushing myself to read a bit more in my spare time. Yanno, when I get a spare second from trying to figure out who A is (God damn Pretty Little Liars). It's going well though with me just finishing my third book so far. Currently reading The Lost World, review on Jurassic Park to come soon!

4) March - with the arrival of a new month, many good things are on the horizon. I turn 22 in 2 weeks, Adeel turns 22 a few more weeks after me, we have a few days out and weekends away planned and Spring is on its way with lighter evenings and more sunshine! The sunsets from the office are absolutely stunning at the moment. I have to refrain from taking a snap every time.

5) Work - who would have thought I'd be one of those people to enjoy a nine-to-five office job? But I do, I really really do. It's probably because of what I do though. I can't see myself being so in love with any other office job if it wasn't for the fact that it's in publishing.

6) Donating to charity/having a clear out - although I've read that you're supposed to go through with a clear out all in one go; I've found myself doing it slowly, parting with my items a few at a time to ease the adjustment. The fact that I'm donating them to charity feels pretty great too. I realise I moan about not having enough clothes a lot, when I should be thankful that I have those clothes at all. I'm also thinking about donating my textbooks from Uni, I just don't know who/where would take them.

7) Creativity - now that Celebrity Big Brother isn't occupying all of my evenings, I vowed to myself that I would do something I love instead. Whether that be scrapbooks, writing, editing, reading, colouring, or just taking a quiet moment to reflect or chat with my boyfriend on the phone - anything to spur on my creativity again.

P.S. Check this beauty of a view out from the office!

☽