Spew Of Restless Thoughts

It's been one of those weeks where I literally feel all over the place.

I've been so restless and easily bad-tempered that it's a surprise no one has told me to snap out of it.

Like, I'm soooooooooo fidgety at the moment with, well, everything.

I think what I really need is a nice, long, relaxing holiday. Somewhere far away, preferably hot with a stunning beach.

I mean, before Dubai in November I hadn't had a proper holiday for almost (or more, can't quite remember) four years.

Yet, now, a mere 6 months or so after my last holiday I'm craving another one and feel I will go mad without one.

Frustrating.

Another thing making me bad-tempered and restless is the lack of online shopping I've been able to do.

I've been searching high and low for just a nice pair of flats as I've thrown one pair out, another pair absolutely stinks and the third is just merh.

I've literally searched every chain store known to man.

Maybe I will actually have to go in to a shop to find a decent pair.

I have successfully bought a new pair of black jeans though and a couple of tops from Misguided which is nice, recommended highly by my sister as I couldn't trust the ASOS sizing (who measures themselves by the waist and/or leg length anyway? I like the good old numerical way).

In other news, I'm reallyyyyyy excited having spoken with A about our future living circumstances.

I've always wanted to live in Beckenham (ever since my dad lived there) and it looks like it may just happen.

Although I've struck a deal with him, that it will only be for a few years and then just maybeeee a move to America will be on the cards. Eep! 

Ever since he mentioned it and I took it in a not-so-serious-dismissive-sort-of-way, I can't stop thinking about it and how good it might actually be.

Well, after that jumble of thoughts has now been strewn out of my head and onto this wonderful page, I think I will sleep a little better knowing the future is looking a little brighter (even if I have been a moody so-and-so all week!)

Am also thinking about doing an ASOS/general wish list as I can't seem to make up my mind and actually buy anything, just ogle at them and um and argh over the out-of-stockness of everything I want.

Humph. 

How has your week been?



✌

Resting Bitch Face Problems

So this weekend I finally managed to finish or, at least, get up to date with Pretty Little Liars and in perfect timing too as the new series starts next week. 

Even just a day going by knowing that I have nothing new to watch from them is making me feel lost. That feeling you get every time you finish a TV series, you never know what to do with yourself!

In other news, I'm really beginning to push myself when I'm running. We are slowly being able to run longer and improve the breathing techniques and, well, just get better in general. I'm really surprised at how much I actually love it.

That's not what this post is about though.

This post is about that good ol' term resting bitch face and the problems I know I've definitely noticed of dealing with it.

A (not Pretty Little Liars A, my A... aha) and I were talking about this the other weekend when he was here. I keep moaning about all these people that never move out of my way, like I am always the one that needs to move if someone is walking in my direction. Even if they are a group and I literally have nowhere else to go. 

It's so frustrating.

Yet, the seas of people part for A - which was tested out thoroughly in Westfield funnily enough. He said you have to show strength and look like you aren't going to give in to moving. But, I know damn well that half of the time when I'm walking somewhere (more like 90% of the time) I will have a resting bitch face - which, in my opinion, is pretty much the look that says you aren't gonna move. 

Is that why they don't move though?

It's nothing I choose to have, it's just there, the frustration at slow walkers and tourists etched all over my face. But if I see someone else with that sort of face, I, well, move for them because they look like a moody cow. 

Just saying.

So, is it something about me that people don't want to move for? Is it because they presume I'm a moody cow and that it's not just how my face is when I'm not thinking about anything? Or am I just unfortunate enough to think I'm running into all of the annoying people when I shouldn't even take any notice?

It's probably because I get annoyed so easily at anything and everything that this even bothers me. I can get quite moody a lot of the time.

But, I always judge other people by their resting bitch faces, assuming that they are just stuck up, but maybe I shouldn't if I suffer from the same problem. 

I think it's weird though that people expect you to walk around with a smile on your face, yet if I see someone, alone, and smiling it's just weird. Or if you come into the office and people ask you if something's wrong. Nope, just my face!

I just don't know how to change my face, to soften it or something when I'm walking to and from work. It means I will always have to be concentrating on that instead of just letting my mind wander and my face rest in it's bitch-like state.

I guess I could always walk slower instead of powering through everyone like a bowling ball through an arrangement of pins. But I don't like dawdling unless I'm on holiday.

I guess I'll figure something out or just stop caring in the end.

I do love that term though. Resting bitch face. Who comes up with this stuff?!

Do you suffer from the resting bitch face?



✌

Social Pressure

So, this post is going to seem hella out of the blue but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and wanted to get off of my chest. Plus, I'm not even too sure on how to write it without coming across.. weird, yanno?

It was my nan's birthday yesterday and I've been trying to go home a lot more as, well, they're getting on a bit and I miss seeing them as much as we used to as kids. We used to spend 2 weeks with my mum, 2 weeks with my dad and 2 weeks with my grandparents (6 weeks seemed like forever back then!) and then secondary school hit, and I just saw them less and less until I barely saw them at all when I was at uni. Granted, it was tougher considering I was in London and not a ten minute drive from them, but still.

It's just been on my mind a lot that I haven't seen them enough and I'm trying to make up for it in a way. I just don't feel as close to my family as some people do. Like, we have good chats and stuff when we're together, we just never seem to make the effort to see each other a lot. I don't know, we're weird.

Anyways, I digress.

So I shot over to St. Pancras International after work on Friday to be greeted by a whole hoard of people - there had been a signal failure further up the line causing delays. I cried on the inside but once I'd hopped on the train, we were actually only five minutes later leaving than scheduled - hurray!

We had a nice chill evening in watching Jurassic World and chatting away, settling in for the night in preparation for the following day.

After my sister had finally finished faffing about, doing God knows what, we headed over to my grandparents yesterday afternoon. We arrived before everyone else (just us and the grandparents) and settled in for my granddads infamous buffet-style dinner (he used to be a chef back in the day so I always look forward to the food!)

And then the others showed up, including my cousin and her baby.

Which leads me to my confession.

I'm really really broody. Like, I don't think I can control it right now, especially when I see my cousin's daughter. She is sooooo adorable.

But, well, basically, this post was meant to be addressing the fact that most women still feel the pressure to have kids even if they don't want them. I used to not want kids, as in I loathed the idea of them and any I came into contact with and whenever I aired the fact that I didn't want them, people would just look at me and be all "you'll change your mind, trrrrust me."

And then there are the others that are all "you should be grateful you can have kids, you're so selfish if you don't want to take advantage of what you can have, blah blah blah."

No.

I just think it's ridiculous that women have to feel like this, like it's hard wired into our DNA and we're meant to want this. Men don't have to want to have them, so why do we? We're allowed to play the field, be career or goal orientated.

Okay, so I have changed my mind but that's not because I feel pressured to, it's because I want to.

I'm still torn though. I mean I really really want them at the moment, but I'm also loving my job and don't want to take time off right now (plus there's the whole living situation and whatnot - which will hopefully be changing in the near future. Fingers crossed!)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I guess it doesn't help that I've been home a lot more recently for family birthdays and seeing my second cousin's adorable little face and the way my cousin has changed, it just makes me want it way more. Plus, A is so family-orientated that just seeing him with his little nephews and nieces makes my heart melt.

I don't know if any of this made sense or whether it was a random mishmash of my thoughts, but, yeah, I wanted to write it out, clear my head as it were.

I should definitely write spontaneously more often.

Let me know your thoughts!



✌

Bad Habits

I have so many bad habits, I don't even know where to start. I thought I would write this post because the main ones have gotten a lot worse again and I don't know whether I'm subconsciously stressing about something I can't put my finger on or what. I just know I'm going crazy every time I catch myself doing one of them of late and I need to figure out a way to deal with them once and for all!

I used to be so good at being on time to everything, like not even on time, I would be mega early

So, here they are in all their glory:

1. Picking at my spots - on my face, on my arms, on my chest, on my back, you name it, I'll find a way. I've even noticed myself doing it in public now, like at work or something, which definitely isn't good. I hate walking around, even if it's just in my house, with red blotches and dried blood somewhere on my upper body because of it.

2. Chewing my inner cheeks/lips - I can't 100% remember why I started this nasty little habit, but I think it had something to do with wearing braces and them rubbing my cheeks raw in the meantime so afterwards all I've been able to do is chew them. My friend's mum even told us once that it caused mouth cancer to put us both off of doing it. We then found out this was a lie and picked up the habit again!

3. Doubting myself - I've always been shy and I've never really thought of linking that with the fact that I compare myself to others constantly. Whether it's grades in school or the way a girl looks, I'll always feel inferior to people. It doesn't help either that I have such a quiet voice and pretty much everyone talks over me.

4. Wasting weekends - this one has been pretty bad for a while (although starting to pick up now because I'm going insane staying indoors and not doing anything other than work and TV!). It's not that I feel like I'm wasting them at the time because I'm relaxing and that's what I like to do over going out any day. It's just that people are always going out, doing adventurous, wonderful things and all I do is sit at home. So, yes, this probably links back to the comparing thing. I get awfully jealous that I can't be as willing to try new things and to venture out more.

5. Negativity - now I know I've stated this one in a previous post in saying that I would stop being so negative all of the damn time. Well, there are good days and then there are the bad days. I've lately started focusing on my thoughts again, catching the negative ones and changing them to a more reasonable approach. I've also recently started meditating to see if I can calm all of my angry thoughts!

6. Lazy - see back to the wasting weekends point but also I'm struggling to find any motivation at all to work out after work or to even finish editing my novel once and for all. I just keep procrastinating everything and I'm getting sick of it. I really need to find my motivation again.

7. Timekeeping of late - I used to be brilliant at turning up on time for everything. I would even go as far as to be exceptionally early for events in fear that people would judge me if I turned up late. Now, I leave as late as possible in order to be just about on time. I don't know whether this is because my work is a little more relaxed about it, but I would like to turn up more on time, even if only for me!

I'm sure there are more bad habits that I have, I know I almost named some of my flaws as well, mixing the two. But, for now, these are the ones that are bugging me the most.

What bad habits do you endure?

✌