Dear Diary: A Mix of Emotions

My housemate's girlfriend's dog looks like Gurgi from The Black Cauldron.

I hate change. It terrifies me. The future terrifies me. I guess I like to be in control. Anything different just seems to throw me off. And this week I've been all over the place.

My hormones have been terrible this week, way out of my control. I have felt so so alone and not good enough for anything. I've been having trouble with my driving and my doubts have crept their way back in, and all of that I could have dealt with.

It was even starting to improve yesterday.

And then at work a bombshell was dropped leaving our team shattered and beyond shocked.

My boss has suddenly, completely out-of-the-blue, decided to leave. In two days time.

It may not seem like such a bad thing to others but our little team of four gets on so so well. 

Seriously, we have had so many laughs and I think we've become really good friends, so to find out a mere ten minutes or so before the rest of the company that our boss, a guy that's been in the company for eight years and is pretty much the mogul of speccy excel formulas, is leaving is honestly devastating.

The three of us were just sat all day in complete shock.

I honestly can't see how the company can work without him. There's now going to be all these changes and a reshuffling and relocating for the rest of the team.

I hate that idea. I love my job, so much more than I thought I could ever love it, but for it to now change (so drastically by the sounds of it!) is terrifying.

I've actually been holding in my tears all day, it's affected me that much.

He was the best boss I could have wished for, a wonderful teacher and a great person in general.

And now I have another dilemma tied in with this.

No one but my boss knows how to do my job, so he is obviously the only one who can cover me if I go away.

And a week or so ago I kind of decided I wanted to take a week away to myself, to drive to Ireland and relax.

I've been working very hard at my job but I haven't been away properly since last November, so I think I'm in need of a good rest.

Plus, I feel like I'm relying too much on Adeel. I feel so lost whenever he isn't here.

It's sad because I know I should find my independence and I do have it, like I tend to prefer my own company a lot of the time, it's like being around people too long drains me and all I end up wanting to do is curl up in a ball and read quietly.

But Adeel is the exception.

I never get sick of him (I hope this will still be true later down the line!) and I find myself craving his company.

I don't do things at the weekend unless they're with him. I don't want to go away without him. I don't even want to go running or driving without him. I want to spend every holiday with him and watch all the new film releases with him.

So, although I don't want to be away from him, I really think I should take some time for myself to clear the fog that's crept into my brain of late, to take risks by myself and for myself so I can come back stronger and not feel like I have to constantly rely on anyone.

I should thrust myself into the deep end and take a chance.

I was really excited for this idea, albeit terrified at the same time, and now I don't even know if I can or should do it with what's going on at work.

I haven't booked anything yet but I know where I want to go and roughly when with the odd idea of what I'm going to do whilst I'm there.

And okay, it may not be completely solo, my sister may join me if she has the money/can get the time off from her new job.

But, either way, it would be nice to get some sisterly bonding in there too as we used to get on so well before I went to uni. Although, it's not like we don't get on now, we're just distanced because of our physical whereabouts.

So, if my boss is leaving and no one else knows how to do my job how can I possibly take a full week off? All I'd be doing in my time off would be worrying about what's going on at work and that's not a real break, that's worse.

AGH, I don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore ☹

Goodbye Smudge

So, I've missed a few of my regular posting times/days and the last post I did was hastily done. It's been a rough few weeks with intermittent health issues, internet problems and the death of my cat.

It may seem silly to some for me to be so distraught over a cat dying, but he really was a part of the family. Like, I used to hate that saying, but I really can see it now. The pets are as good a part of us as our parents or siblings. I mean, it tends to be the animals I'm really looking forward to on a visit home. 

Sad, I know.

He was always there since I was about ten or eleven years old, doing stupid things, making us laugh. When he was a kitten, he would get into the christmas tree and sit in there until he decided to pull it down instead or tear up bits of baubles and tinsel. And even last christmas he got into the box of tinsel with eyes the size of saucers. He was so mischievous and a pain in the ass, but we loved him anyway.

It's not just that he's gone, it's more that he's left such a big empty space behind, and that's not because he was such a fat cat. I don't even live at home anymore with all of our family pets, but it's still weird to think that he's not there anymore. I've kind of even been putting off going home because, although I know he's gone, it confirms it, in a way, if I go back.

Who would have thought it would take a cat dying to make me feel more appreciative of the time I do spend with people? It's just so weird, I was at home three days before he got hit by that car and crawled his way back to our garden, where my sister fortunately found him.

I just can't stop thinking about what my sister said when I asked her if she was okay. She said the worst bit of it all was that his meowing was so sad. Reading that text broke my heart.

Who's going to drink the milk from my cereal bowl when I've eaten the rest now? Who's going to flop onto the carpet on a sunny day with his flab splaying everywhere? Who's going to purr ridiculously loudly even when we sit down on the opposite side of the bed without looking at him?

Rest in peace my poor poor baby, you didn't deserve the hand you were dealt in the end ❤

✝

The Soundtrack To My Life

I've been thinking a lot about music lately, about what specific songs mean to each individual, to each generation or to each nation. Music is so powerful, a simple lyric can bring back so many memories and I wanted to share with you today some of the songs that mean something to me, more than the normal love for a song.

To start, here are a few that uplift me, the ones that can always make me happy:

✴ Pharrell Williams - Happy
(This is probably a really obvious one, right? That scene in Despicable Me 2? Love it. This song always makes me happy because it's so upbeat!)
✴ David Bowie - Changes
(I don't even know how to describe my love for this song, except for recently making me feel a tad sad with the loss of this legend, the song still makes me feel incredibly uplifted)
✴ Rascal Flatts - Life Is A Highway
(Every time this comes on on my iPod when I'm on the tube, I have to contain myself really hard to not start blurting out all of the lyrics very loudly)

♫

Some that make me sad and most probably cry bucketfuls:

✴ Miley Cyrus - When I Look At You
(I heard this song for the first time when I watched The Last Song and it has moved me ever since. Seriously, I cry pretty much every time I listen to it)
✴ Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You
(Now, I've only listened to this song and the one below in the past year or so, but I discovered it when watching an episode of Buffy (God, I love that show) and, well, it was at the time when my relationship was in tatters and I was hurting, so this song really stuck in my mind)
✴ Nicole Scherzinger - Run
(The same as above, I somehow came across this song when I was hurting and it is so so powerful. Her voice is spectacular and even now when these two songs come on, all of those feelings come rushing back - but they are so good that I can't not listen to them. This song could also be in the category below - sends shivers down my spine every time)
✴ Charlie Puth - See You Again
(For obvious reasons this song makes me sad. Paul Walker? End of Fast and Furious 7? Cried like a baby in the cinema. Twice)

♫

The ones that make me shiver because the lyrics or the vocals are so amazing:

✴ Kate Voegele - Hallelujah
(I seem to discover all of my favourites on TV shows, this one was on an episode of One Tree Hill and I have to say, I think this is the best version of Hallelujah, it is absolutley stunning but I still don't really get what the song lyrics are about!)
✴ Gabrielle Aplin - The Power Of Love
(I used to associate this song with Christmas as the Frankie Goes To Hollywood version is on a Christmas album my family has, but since hearing this cover version, I love it more than ever. I think there's something about acoustic versions of songs that just make me appreciate the lyrics and vocals even more)
✴ Christina Perri - A Thousand Years
(This one is another of those that can fall into a different category, most likely the one where it gets me to appreciate or feel more in love. I know it's in Twilight, but it's beautiful)

♫

These ones make me feel empowered, strong. I can listen to them on full blast without a care in the world:

✴ Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj - Bang Bang
(I don't know what it is about this song, but I think it's something to do with strong women and it's a song that just makes me feel good when I listen to it)
✴ Cheryl - I Don't Care
(This is another one that's similar to above and just makes me want to jump around my bedroom singing along to it, it makes me forget all my worries and problems for a couple of minutes!)
✴ David Bowie - Heroes
(I loveeeeeeeee this bloody song! It's just amazing and I love David Bowie's voice and I love that it was included in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, that scene is beautiful and I JUST LOVE THIS SONG)
✴ David Bowie - Rebel Rebel
(Another of Mr. Bowie's. Basically this category are the feelgood ones that go beyond normal happiness)
✴ Take That - Hold Up A Light
(I'm sorry, I had to include a Take That one, okay? It's either this one, or Never Forget or Rule The World. But there is just something about this one that I love the most)
✴ Bon Jovi - I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
(Says it all in the name of the song really. Gets me through some of those moments where I'm so tired and want to give up on everything)

♫

The songs that make me appreciate love even more:

✴ Miley Cyrus - Dream
(I'm not even slightly ashamed to say this is in the Hannah Montana Movie because this song is brilliant, in fact, Miley Cyrus is brilliant even in her crazy ass state, she's still a wonderful singer)
✴ Ellie Goulding - Army
(I've only heard this recently but there was a specific lyric in it that called out to me "we both know what they say about us, but they don't stand a chance because, when I'm with you, I'm standing with an army")
✴ Ellie Goulding - Love Me Like You Do
(Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack is the best thing about the film and this song is the best of the bunch. I don't care if the film was rubbish in itself, this song just makes me feel all loved up)
✴ Paramore - Still Into You
(Ah, Paramore. This one is just a sweet reminder that romance does last)
✴ Carly Rae Jepson - I Really Like You
(I just love this video, especially that Tom Hanks is in it, and the song just makes me want to bounce around and smile all day)
✴ Eric Carmen - Hungry Eyes
(Out of all of the songs in this category, this one is my favourite at the moment. Seriously, I. Can't. Stop. Listening. To. It. It's even better than Dirty Dancing's signature tune. LOVE IT)

♫

And finally, and notably the list that gets listened to the most, the one I listen to when I'm angry, that I also listen to on full blast, glaring at everyone in my path:

✴ Aerosmith - Dude Looks Like A Lady
(Seriously, most of these songs have links to one film or another! Mrs Doubtfire. Every time I hear it I think of that scene, Robin Williams dressed as an old woman cleaning the house! It is just amazing to listen to when I'm angry though - you won't hear a thing from anything else around you if you do listen to this one full blast!)
✴ Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Want To Be
(One Tree Hill theme song and another brilliant masterpiece. One I listen to when I feel people are trying to change who I am)
✴ Bon Jovi - Blame It On The Love Of Rock And Roll
(Ugh, man, Bon Jovi is a God. I don't know why I listen to this one when I'm angry but it's probably because of the insance guitar riffs and rock vibe)
✴ OneRepublic - Secrets
(Another one from a film, this time The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Listen to this one when you're just done with hiding how you really feel. "I'm gonna give all my secrets away")
✴ Robbie Williams - Let Me Entertain You
(Had to end it on the one I always, always listen to when I'm angry. It's fast, Robbie's voice is all gravelly and it's just so so good to listen to at top volume!)

♫

So there you have it, a little peek into my iPod playlists according to my mood! Obviously these aren't all of the songs, but they are definitely the ones I listen to most often and that I never, ever, get sick of!



✌