Aimless and Unmotivated

Do you ever just feel like you're going through the motions, just going along with life as it sees fit, not how you would like it to go?

I don't know what's wrong with me of late, but I just cannot pull myself together.

I mean there's nothing wrong with my life, I just feel like I'm going nowhere.

I'm not motivated to run, I'm not motivated to write - blog posts or my book, I'm not motivated to do anything. Work doesn't seem as enjoyable anymore, I'm tired of living with these people but also scared to move on somewhere new.

I'm also at that point in the year where my body has decided it doesn't like the change in the weather so it's produced a mass outbreak all over my chest and back which, yanno, doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Grand.

I hate having these down moments and I feel awful for moaning about it considering these problems aren't proper problems for the likes of those who are homeless or disaster has struck their homes. Those people out there who would give anything for a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. But I guess everyone has their own problems to deal with.

The picture above was taken whilst I was at my grandparents on Saturday. It was the most relaxing long weekend I've had in a while.

I had from Wednesday off and I drove home on Thursday. I spent the majority of my time unpacking my room as it had all been packed up for my carpet to be redone (and if that doesn't contrast completely with a couple sentences above then I don't know what does). It was so calming to go through all my teenage memories and relive them.

I chucked a lot of stuff or bagged it for charities which made me feel like I was doing some good in the world.

I considered last year even going to another country to help in the rainforests or in building volunteer projects or in helping with disaster relief. But I didn't realise you had to pay a couple of grand just to volunteer. Why is the world ruled by money?

Getting sidetracked... anyways, after unpacking all of Friday and a bit of Thursday afternoon it was nice to spend the day at my grandparents and chill out in the sun. Their garden is so beautiful, full of colourful flowers and wildlife ornaments.

I sometimes wish I could spend more time there. Living in London has separated me from my family even more and it bugs me.

Adeel is so close to his family and gets to see them all very frequently. I feel like an awful granddaughter, cousin, sister, niece, friend because I'm never around.

I feel like I've already said all of this. But I don't feel needed.

And TV shows don't help. They're all perfect and beautiful. Yes they're not real but they make me feel insignificant and disgusted with myself.

God that was depressing. Just a big fat bleurgh of thoughts all over this page.

Now I'm going to go and finish reading HP7 because a little bit of magic always makes me feel better.

✌︎

Should Photography Be Something That's Studied?

I've had a lot of thought on this subject. But it's something I really should have thought about a lot more before I took it on for five years through college and then university.

Through reading a lot of blogs and interviews lately, whether they're well-known or unknown photographers, has got me thinking about my own choices in studying photography.

In the majority of these interviews, said photographers have all been asked the question 'Where did you learn photography?' and their answers have pretty much always been 'I'm self-taught'.

And their body of work is amazing. It doesn't matter if they're even just on Instagram - they have photographs that reach people and that they're proud of and it's all because they've gone in their own direction instead of being set projects to adhere to and then being told what's "wrong" with your work when photography is supposed to be subjective??

Woah. Clearly I have some pent up anger with this subject.

So why did I choose photography? It all started really when I was playing around, photographing the park we always went to one summer with my dad and sisters. He just happened to mention that he thought I had a good 'eye' for photos which kinda stuck in my mind.

I didn't seriously think about it though until college. My art class was dropped due to lack of interest and I was worried about what subject I'd pick up instead because I really didn't think I was suited to anything like sociology or maths or science. My worst nightmare. Instead I picked psychology as I thought it would be interesting (hardest. subject. ever).

And so photography, being the only creative outlet I had, was what I turned to (being one of my three subjects - psych, english lit/lang and photography (I didn't pick up film until second year).

So, like I said above I studied photography for 2 years in college and even though I loathed the teacher I, for some very strange reason, then went on to study a further 3 years at University. Um, what?

I don't know how my brain figured that one out. But after five years of crappy teachers and being told my work wasn't good enough when I've worked my absolute ass off was a little disheartening and these days I don't even want to pick up a camera that often any more, if at all.

That's probably why the majority of my posts tend to fall into the review category because I find it easier to quickly snap a photo of a book or something than trying to think up something creative. In fact, I find the writing of blog posts easier than the taking of photos.

So, no, I don't think photography should be something that's studied because, in my experience, it blocks the creative process within you, it doesn't bring out what you can do best because you have project rules to abide by and teachers breathing down your neck about what they think is best when in reality that's just their ideas being forced onto you.

Okay, I understand they have a marking scheme to look to and it is useful to get feedback on your work and sure, it's good if you want to learn about the technical stuff like exposure or depth of field. But - in all honesty - you can learn that basic stuff online if you really wanted to and then be free to explore your passion on your own. Anyone will give you feedback, it doesn't necessarily have to be from someone with a photography background.

I do not regret my choice however, because I met my best friend in college and my boyfriend in uni. It all could've been very different if I had chosen to study something else instead ✌︎

p.s. don't you think the emoji chocolates are cute? Got them for Adeel for Valentine's 🙊



📷

What I'm Loving Right Now

I meant to make this a sort of series but, yanno, I don't think I post regularly enough for that. My blog would just consist of these posts and reviews if that were to happen.

Maybe one day when I can find some sort of motivation again. I swear, I used to be so good at being organised, turning up early, having presents and cards ready in advance, buying products way before they run out. But now, no, I'm Miss Disorganised and can't seem to find where I put my motivation.

Anyways, without any further ado, here are the things that I'm loving right now:

1. Audible - I recently wrote a review of listening to my first audiobook and I just have to share my love for them again. Honestly, they are genius. I'm currently listening to The Silmarillion (as I tried to read it and just couldn't get into it properly!) and I already can't stop thinking ahead about which one I'm going to use my precious monthly credit on next.

2. Dracula - I have finally, finally read Dracula (review to come when I finish all of the other horror stories within this book)! It was easier to read than I first anticipated which was a surprise and now I really want to see Christopher Lee's film adaptations!

3. Formula 1 - The season has started again and I am loving every second of it, even more so that it's on Channel 4 now and the presenters don't irritate me. I was a little bored at the end of the last season as the Mercedes team were constantly winning (started off that way this season too), but then the last two races were shocking and exciting and I'm hooked all over again.

4. Running - I don't know if I've mentioned it on my blog yet (probably not as I wanted to see how it went) but I've recently started running. I couldn't find myself getting into a proper routine doing the abs and squats each week so I thought I'd try something new. I'd heard a lot about how it's a good stress/anxiety reliever, and so far I am thoroughly enjoying it!

5. Game of Thrones - apart from episode 6, I think every episode of this new season has been action-packed, fast-paced and full to the brim with unexpected twists! I just. GAME. OF. THRONES ❤ can't wait for the last few episodes.

6. Avocados - my new obsession and they're healthy, result! Absolutely love adding these to a salad to put with my dinner, even tried it in a Spanish omelette yesterday and it was to die for ❤ ❤ ❤ still need to try it on toast tho.

7. Warmer weather - I used to hate heat and the summer months but, now, I'm really starting to enjoy them. Everyone is so much happier and it's all chilled and beaut. Don't get me wrong tho, I still enjoy winter, I will forever be a winter girl, with my constant freezing cold hands and feet!

What have you been loving lately?

✌