Letting Go Of Fear

I've realised of late that I've been letting fear get the better of me again.

It's not anywhere near as bad as last time, in fact it's a whole different kind of fear (not so much the emetophobia I suffered from before, fear fear).

I've been going running now for quite a few months, yet every time my housemate is busy I feel like I can't go without him for fear of being attacked or laughed at or judged.

It may sound silly, but I've heard a lot of "horror" stories, as it were, about solo female runners and, well, I don't exactly feel like I live in the safest of areas.

So, the solution would be to run in a more public place right? 

Wrong. 

I can't stand the idea of being all sweaty and out of breath and hideous in front of loads of strangers in cars, on bikes, in groups. It makes my heart get all jittery and my stomach ties itself into a million knots.

I just feel ridiculous and like a coward, yet this is the one exercise I've found I really enjoy and keeps me fit and motivated.

There's also the fact that I just bought my first car and I drove it back to London and all of that weekend with my boyfriend beside me, giving me pointers and whatnot, comforting me.

But there comes a point when one must attempt it alone.

It terrifies me that after four years since passing my test they just allow you to get behind the steering wheel once more without so much as a freshen up of a driving lesson as a requirement.

I guess it's difficult for that sort of thing to be enforced but trying to get used to driving again with all the things you have to keep an eye on and all the things you have to remember and getting used to a new car is really really daunting and hard, especially in London.

I won't wear dresses or skirts or show much leg at all because I think they're too pale and people will judge me.

I don't tend to go places alone, especially not restaurants, for fear of looking like a loner or getting picked on by some weirdo. 

It always happens, even just walking down the street, some weirdo will pick me to hurl his insults at or (and this is probably worse) the wolf whistling and cat-calling. It's horrible. I can never tell whether they're being serious or not. Plus it makes me feel really uncomfortable, either way.

I won't finish my book because I'm scared it's just not good enough. I keep putting it off even though I love writing it.

I feel like a coward and like I'm being stupid because I can't seem to work up the courage to do any of these things alone or at all.

What happened to being a strong, independent woman huh if I need someone to do these things with me?

---

I wrote this post a few days ago.

Since then, I have in fact driven by myself - albeit only around the block a few times. But I managed to parallel park by myself and I didn't stall once. That equals success in my books.

I wore a dress today, out in Westfield, on a busy Sunday and I ran by myself this morning.

I still need to work on them, trust me, but there's still time to progress.

I will beat back my fears one step at a time.

Fan Art, Friends and Cars

We lost our second cat at the start of this week.

It seems so long ago already as I've been back to London since then and met up with a few friends.

It was only in April that Smudge was taken from us unexpectedly. He was hit by a car sadly, such a horrible way to go.

But Kittie, she was getting on a bit so we knew it was coming soon.

Mum said she was purring right up until the end. Heartbreaking :(

 

Sorry to start this post off with a bit of a downer, but just look at how beautiful she was.

She was always there for a cuddle when I was growing up. Sixteen years of my childhood.

Anyways, I am now back at home again after a whirlwind few days at work, just so I get to see mum and Neil before they go back to Dubai.

I've seen a couple of friends already and have a couple more to go as well as my grandparents. Just trying to relax mainly as I haven't taken any holiday in quite a long time.

I went bowling last Saturday with a friend from college I hadn't seen in 2 years. Saw another friend from college for dinner after work one day.

I also saw one of my best friends yesterday and she's obsessed with gaming and tumblr and whatnot. So now that I've come back from seeing her I have a new (old but returned) love for tumblr again.

We looked at a lot of fan art yesterday (mainly for Fallout 4 as she loves it) and it's made me want to start sketching again.

I miss it so much.

I used to do it all the time. I mean I worked my butt off at GCSE and got an A*.

I was so proud.

And then college came along and my art class got dropped and photography took over my world. If only I'd have continued drawing.

There may be a few dodgy sketches to come before I can get back into the swing of things, but I really am hoping to start up again if I can find the time.

I've also been trying to get a car as I suddenly got the urge to drive (plus Adeel's insurance is super expensive since his accident)! I've put a deposit down and test drove it, so I should be picking it up Tuesday if all goes smoothly.

Fingers crossed! (I'm sure I'll post pictures once it's all official, got to drive it back to London on Wednesday yet - scary!)

And on another note, as this is an arty post, I still haven't thought of a name for my bloody novel.

At this rate it never will have a name. Why is this bit harder than the actual writing?

Ah, oh well. I've got a few more days here and then I'm back to normality.

Wish me luck.

Goodbye Smudge

So, I've missed a few of my regular posting times/days and the last post I did was hastily done. It's been a rough few weeks with intermittent health issues, internet problems and the death of my cat.

It may seem silly to some for me to be so distraught over a cat dying, but he really was a part of the family. Like, I used to hate that saying, but I really can see it now. The pets are as good a part of us as our parents or siblings. I mean, it tends to be the animals I'm really looking forward to on a visit home. 

Sad, I know.

He was always there since I was about ten or eleven years old, doing stupid things, making us laugh. When he was a kitten, he would get into the christmas tree and sit in there until he decided to pull it down instead or tear up bits of baubles and tinsel. And even last christmas he got into the box of tinsel with eyes the size of saucers. He was so mischievous and a pain in the ass, but we loved him anyway.

It's not just that he's gone, it's more that he's left such a big empty space behind, and that's not because he was such a fat cat. I don't even live at home anymore with all of our family pets, but it's still weird to think that he's not there anymore. I've kind of even been putting off going home because, although I know he's gone, it confirms it, in a way, if I go back.

Who would have thought it would take a cat dying to make me feel more appreciative of the time I do spend with people? It's just so weird, I was at home three days before he got hit by that car and crawled his way back to our garden, where my sister fortunately found him.

I just can't stop thinking about what my sister said when I asked her if she was okay. She said the worst bit of it all was that his meowing was so sad. Reading that text broke my heart.

Who's going to drink the milk from my cereal bowl when I've eaten the rest now? Who's going to flop onto the carpet on a sunny day with his flab splaying everywhere? Who's going to purr ridiculously loudly even when we sit down on the opposite side of the bed without looking at him?

Rest in peace my poor poor baby, you didn't deserve the hand you were dealt in the end ❤

✝