Memories And A Future Home

This past weekend I actually made an effort to go and see my little sister for once. I normally just seem to wait until my dad asks me to come down to his and she's either there or she isn't.

I was worried it would be a little awkward, what with not seeing her mum since her and my dad's divorce or spending any alone time with Holly... Ever. I mean, what do you even talk about with an eleven year old?

Anyways, it was completely fine. She chatted away amiably for the 6 or so hours we were together. I took her to my favourite park which we both just so happen to have visited countless times - Kelsey Park in Beckenham. We ambled around without an aim in the world, except for feeding the squirrels and ducks of course.

We wandered by the golf course but it was closed which was odd, so we grabbed an ice cream and continued feeding the wildlife along the way. After running out of bread we decided to head to the cinema as some thunderstorms were due in the afternoon.

We saw The Secret Life of Pets. It was an okay-ish film, but an easy one to watch nevertheless. Once the film was over we grabbed a bite to eat at Zizzi's, the one known for being the place David Bowie performed his first gig at I believe, when a pub stood there previously.

As we still had an hour and a bit to kill before I took her back, we headed back to the park to feed more squirrels and see if the golf course was open. It was and even though we heard a loud rumble of thunder in the distance, we decided to brave it and play anyway.

Of course, when we got to hole number two it decided to start raining, the thunder getting louder and louder as we went along and the rain plummeting down. We continued on nevertheless. Definitely a new experience!

But, after a good day, you know what stood out to me? Seeing this couple in the cinema, or, I should say, family.

Just before the lights went down a man and a woman came in with another man not far behind them, a toddler holding the woman's hand and a baby curled around the first man's torso. I'm not going to go into details of why this stood out to me because it could come across wrong, like I don't know how to explain it without sounding weird. But, the point is, they gave me hope.

I always get these moments where my hope dwindles and I wonder if me and A will ever get through our current issues, or why it's so hard or if it can even work. And then I see all these couples and it never really helps. But seeing this couple did, and it got me thinking about all sorts of memories.

Do you ever feel like there are specific scenes in your life that stand out in particular to you? They may seem like nothing at the time and then you find yourself not being able to stop thinking about them.

I have one from a few years back when things weren't going great. It was in the heat of summer, I actually had a day off of work and Adeel was visiting. We were literally just laying in our underwear on the bed sideways, a fan blowing cool tendrils over our skin and some unimportant game on in the background from the World Cup. His arm lay over me. I could feel his warmth behind me even though it was a sweltering hot day and, in that moment, life was perfect.

That memory got me through some of the tough times that came after. I don't know why because it probably didn't mean a thing to him, but it was so serene and uninterrupted.

It's moments like those that actually tend to be perfect and something you wish could go on longer.

And now I have another one from two weekends ago. Similar to the first, but different in so many ways regarding our headspace and the situation. I hadn't seen him in two weeks due to family commitments on both our parts and he came for the Friday night of that weekend. We literally crawled into bed, all snuggled in the dark and the rain was pouring outside.

For nights after and, even now, almost two weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it. It hasn't been needed to help get me through any panicky moments, because I'm glad to say that rarely happens anymore. The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because it's a sign of the future, something to look forward to every night. It doesn't have to be pouring outside but I get to know that I will always have him to come home to. No matter how good or bad a day was, I will always be able to curl up beside him and fall into a safe and peaceful sleep.

I don't know what brought this stream of thought on, but I guess it's just been one of those weeks where I've been able to appreciate what I do have.

I suppose the couple in the cinema and the memory from a couple of weekends ago just seemed to click into place making me feel unable to contain my excitement for the future.

A lot has happened this week that has made me think. Life is way too short to worry about all the crap that I do, and I know I can't seem to stop wishing away the present so the future will be here, but I've definitely been appreciating the smaller moments a bit more, the simple moments that are overlooked daily.

I've even been thinking back to the first days, weeks and months that I met Adeel and how everything has changed but gotten so much better.

Those moments will last a lifetime in my mind even if I can't paste them into a blog post or a scrapbook physically, they will always be with me because they are the moments that get me through, the moments that made us who we are and the ones I will treasure.

I know this post was probably a bit ramble-y, but I like doing these sort of ones. I feel like I can get more off of my chest and open up about things, in a healthy way, that have been bothering me.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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