What I'm Loving Right Now

It seems summertime is when all my time is eaten up by countless trips home, social events and actually going out with my boyfriend.

It was only a mere few months ago that I remember complaining to my housemate that I never do anything on weekends. I just sit at home and watch TV.

But, now, I don't honestly remember a weekend that I haven't been busy.

Today is the first day in ages that I feel like I can get back to my usual self and slob out. Except, because I haven't done it in a while, it feels wrong and I have all this pent up energy spent on doing nothing.

Eh, who am I to complain?

Here are the things I've been loving recently:

1. One Tree Hill - yes, I've given in and am re-watching it for the third time. I just can't seem to get enough of all the drama and twists in this ridiculous programme. I had to find something to fill the PLL-shaped hole (although I am watching series 7 of it, but weekly episodes is never as good as a full on binge).

2. Travel confidence/striving to better my anxiety again and again - This goes hand in hand with the following point but it deserves its own mention to be honest. It wasn't all that long ago that I felt jittery and worried about leaving the house, even for work, let alone letting it all go and just going everywhere and anywhere I get the opportunity to. Beckenham, home, Faversham, Oxford. It may not seem a lot to those accustomed to just following their heart, but I'm proud of myself for how far I've come and how much I can truly push myself.

3. Oxford meal with Adeel and his work colleagues - Last Friday I left work at 4 o'clock, headed to Paddington for the first time and caught a train to little ol' Oxford for a three course meal in a boathouse. It was amazing. I'm going to do a full post about it later down the line, but it deserves a quick mention as I just loved it. Take me back.

4. The City of Mirrors - mannnnnn, this is also going to get its own post in review format but this book! Final instalment of Justin Cronin's vampire, end-of-the-world trilogy and it was as good as I could have hoped and better. READ THEM.

5. Runtastic - hey, look who's kept it up and hasn't given in to laziness again?? I'm actually loving it, it's hard work and a killer on those muscles, but the feeling of completing 1-2 miles twice a week is the best feeling ever and this app is a huge motivator.

6. Empire soundtrack - I'm always looking for new music since joining Spotify and the Empire season has not long finished and I found myself craving to hear Jussie Smollett's lovely tones. Powerful and You're So Beautiful seem to be my favourites at the moment.

7. Counting down the days to moving out - okay, so we haven't set a date or anything for actually moving in together, but it is getting nearer and nearer to our presumed month at least. I just cannot wait to leave this shared accommodation and live with my best friend and boyfriend. Sure, he'll probably drive me nuts at some point but, God, give me that any day over sharing with someone I completely loath.



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Do You Ever Feel Not Good Enough?

Don't get me wrong, I love both of my parents to pieces but I often feel that my efforts or achievements go unnoticed or get brushed aside, like I could have done better.

I've recently been made permanent in my job (previously being on a short-term contract) and, obviously, I let both of my parents know almost straight away. After initial happiness, my dad asked me if I got a raise (something he keeps pestering me about), which makes me infuriated because I've only been there officially since October - having done a bout of work experience and an internship on and off since June. I'm happy with what I'm being paid, especially considering I only graduated in November! Plus, it's not exactly like it's a bad amount, it's great!

And then there's my mum. Every time I say I've taken a day off work or cancelled plans because of feeling unwell, she'll make me feel really guilty and worried, putting thoughts in my head that the company will let me go or that my friends may give up trying to get together. It makes me feel way worse than I already did! I mean I started off in waitressing, where they made me feel guilty for being ill - it's like the top guys didn't ever get sick or they would have expected you to work through it. So, you know, I already feel incredibly guilty before my mum even says anything. I've taken to not even telling her now because I know what she'll say.

And I'm not even going to say what comments they've made about my relationship or my anxiety. I just can't believe some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths, it makes me feel like I can't even talk to them sometimes. And it doesn't help that one of them lives halfway across the world and the other isn't very talkative on the phone!

/Rant over.

I know this is a very moany post and I do want to reiterate that I love them both so much and I appreciate everything they've ever done for me, I just had to get this off my chest - it's been bothering me for a long while.

Anywayssss, I'm happy with my job, my pay, my relationship, the amount of sick days I've actually taken compared to my attendance at uni last year and how I keep improving my control over my anxiety.

And that's all that matters, right?!

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