Letting Go Of Fear

I've realised of late that I've been letting fear get the better of me again.

It's not anywhere near as bad as last time, in fact it's a whole different kind of fear (not so much the emetophobia I suffered from before, fear fear).

I've been going running now for quite a few months, yet every time my housemate is busy I feel like I can't go without him for fear of being attacked or laughed at or judged.

It may sound silly, but I've heard a lot of "horror" stories, as it were, about solo female runners and, well, I don't exactly feel like I live in the safest of areas.

So, the solution would be to run in a more public place right? 

Wrong. 

I can't stand the idea of being all sweaty and out of breath and hideous in front of loads of strangers in cars, on bikes, in groups. It makes my heart get all jittery and my stomach ties itself into a million knots.

I just feel ridiculous and like a coward, yet this is the one exercise I've found I really enjoy and keeps me fit and motivated.

There's also the fact that I just bought my first car and I drove it back to London and all of that weekend with my boyfriend beside me, giving me pointers and whatnot, comforting me.

But there comes a point when one must attempt it alone.

It terrifies me that after four years since passing my test they just allow you to get behind the steering wheel once more without so much as a freshen up of a driving lesson as a requirement.

I guess it's difficult for that sort of thing to be enforced but trying to get used to driving again with all the things you have to keep an eye on and all the things you have to remember and getting used to a new car is really really daunting and hard, especially in London.

I won't wear dresses or skirts or show much leg at all because I think they're too pale and people will judge me.

I don't tend to go places alone, especially not restaurants, for fear of looking like a loner or getting picked on by some weirdo. 

It always happens, even just walking down the street, some weirdo will pick me to hurl his insults at or (and this is probably worse) the wolf whistling and cat-calling. It's horrible. I can never tell whether they're being serious or not. Plus it makes me feel really uncomfortable, either way.

I won't finish my book because I'm scared it's just not good enough. I keep putting it off even though I love writing it.

I feel like a coward and like I'm being stupid because I can't seem to work up the courage to do any of these things alone or at all.

What happened to being a strong, independent woman huh if I need someone to do these things with me?

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I wrote this post a few days ago.

Since then, I have in fact driven by myself - albeit only around the block a few times. But I managed to parallel park by myself and I didn't stall once. That equals success in my books.

I wore a dress today, out in Westfield, on a busy Sunday and I ran by myself this morning.

I still need to work on them, trust me, but there's still time to progress.

I will beat back my fears one step at a time.

Life Lately

Well, summer sure has arrived.

London has been sweltering these past few days. My window hasn't been shut in months. There isn't any air in my room even with a fan on, circulating warm air.

But, you know what?

I'm enjoying it.

I used to hate summer. Loathe it in fact. I felt like the heat never agreed with me because I always felt mneh whenever it got over 23 degrees.

I don't know what changed.

Maybe because Adeel really likes the sun and it had an effect on me? Or maybe because I'm a lot happier than I used to be and happy people tend to like the sun I guess.

It's been a quiet few weeks at work with my boss away on his holidays, leaving myself and my other colleague to hold the line in his absence.

We were both worried chaos would rain down on us with an urgent crisis popping up here, there and everywhere. But, nothing of the sort happened. Not one thing. Nada.

I suppose I should appreciate the quiet time as I'm sure it will be busy again soon enough.

The only busy day turned out to be the day before I knew I wasn't going to be in due to an ASAP dentist appointment for my first filling.

But all was under control again by Monday. Filling went ahead with no problems and I feel like a proper adult now with all these weird, adult-y problems (I can't even see the filling).

I also went to see Romeo and Juliet on Wednesday afternoon with a friend which was different.

I'm so used to watching musicals that the lack of music and the strong Shakespearian meant we actually had to concentrate for the couple of hours instead of sitting back and relaxing.

Admittedly, we did only book to see it because a certain Mr Richard Madden (aka Robb Stark) was meant to be Romeo. But, alas, he had a jogging injury so his understudy performed in his place.

We still got to see Lily James and Derek Jacobi though, which was nice.

This weekend has been a slow one, but well needed with the heat we're trying to live through.

Hopefully I'll get to go away somewhere nice soon.

Dreaming of a proper summer holiday.

And also kind of feeling a little regret this week seeing a lot of people posting graduation photos and going off to prom.

Okay, so I live near a school and I saw those people and only those all dressed up, filing onto a number of coaches, evidently going to prom.

My Facebook is the one that has been filled with all of these graduation photos and people announcing their new jobs or new locations and certificates and degrees.

I guess I'm just jealous because I never got a prom and for my graduation it poured it down with rain and I wore jeans instead of a dress. 

Half of my family couldn't even come in to see it, they had to stream it in a restaurant just outside. 

Plus I realised I felt all alone in there. I was surrounded by classmates and teachers and other pupils but I couldn't feel more alone.

They say university is the time for making the "friends for life". 

But he was sat outside with my family, unable to get in due to a two-ticket-per-student rule. Plus he graduated a couple days ahead of me because he was in a different school.

I never really knew how disappointed I was with it all until I saw all of these other people posting their happy, sunny photos with huddles of friends and family.

Sorry for the downer of a post, but a girl is feeling pretty rubbish about it all and wanted to write it out.

Hope your week was a more successful one.



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What People Fail To Tell You About Growing Up

No one ever told you the exact age you would start to, well, age. Pretty sure my forehead has gotten a few wrinkles already from just pure frown creases. Boo.

No one ever told you that the jealousy of others would never dissipate. Women and men in their 30s and 40s seem to have it so together but does it ever leave us no matter what clothes, cars or objects we own?

No one ever told you in school the important things you'd need to do as an adult such as taxes, credit cards and how to get by when things aren't going so well.

No one ever told you that you would continue to feel like a teenager even once you're a fully fledged adult.

No one ever told you how hard it is to find different meals to cook each night and not just the same basics over and over again until you want to pull your hair out.

No one ever told you how much you'd regret not doing at university (for most this would probably mean more studying, drinking less and going out less) but for me, I wish I had taken the chance and gone out more.

No one ever told you how hard relationships actually are and how you have to be constantly working at them and figuring out a future together is one of the most exciting, frustrating of processes.

No one ever told you how to have a spotless house all of the time. Where does all that dust come from?!

No one ever told you how to love yourself for who you are and to enjoy your own company.

No one ever told you that your so-called teenage acne would persist into your adult years.

What did no one ever tell you?



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