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| My housemate's girlfriend's dog looks like Gurgi from The Black Cauldron. |
I hate change. It terrifies me. The future terrifies me. I guess I like to be in control. Anything different just seems to throw me off. And this week I've been all over the place.
My hormones have been terrible this week, way out of my control. I have felt so so alone and not good enough for anything. I've been having trouble with my driving and my doubts have crept their way back in, and all of that I could have dealt with.
It was even starting to improve yesterday.
And then at work a bombshell was dropped leaving our team shattered and beyond shocked.
My boss has suddenly, completely out-of-the-blue, decided to leave. In two days time.
It may not seem like such a bad thing to others but our little team of four gets on so so well.
Seriously, we have had so many laughs and I think we've become really good friends, so to find out a mere ten minutes or so before the rest of the company that our boss, a guy that's been in the company for eight years and is pretty much the mogul of speccy excel formulas, is leaving is honestly devastating.
The three of us were just sat all day in complete shock.
I honestly can't see how the company can work without him. There's now going to be all these changes and a reshuffling and relocating for the rest of the team.
I hate that idea. I love my job, so much more than I thought I could ever love it, but for it to now change (so drastically by the sounds of it!) is terrifying.
I've actually been holding in my tears all day, it's affected me that much.
He was the best boss I could have wished for, a wonderful teacher and a great person in general.
And now I have another dilemma tied in with this.
No one but my boss knows how to do my job, so he is obviously the only one who can cover me if I go away.
And a week or so ago I kind of decided I wanted to take a week away to myself, to drive to Ireland and relax.
I've been working very hard at my job but I haven't been away properly since last November, so I think I'm in need of a good rest.
Plus, I feel like I'm relying too much on Adeel. I feel so lost whenever he isn't here.
It's sad because I know I should find my independence and I do have it, like I tend to prefer my own company a lot of the time, it's like being around people too long drains me and all I end up wanting to do is curl up in a ball and read quietly.
But Adeel is the exception.
I never get sick of him (I hope this will still be true later down the line!) and I find myself craving his company.
I don't do things at the weekend unless they're with him. I don't want to go away without him. I don't even want to go running or driving without him. I want to spend every holiday with him and watch all the new film releases with him.
So, although I don't want to be away from him, I really think I should take some time for myself to clear the fog that's crept into my brain of late, to take risks by myself and for myself so I can come back stronger and not feel like I have to constantly rely on anyone.
I should thrust myself into the deep end and take a chance.
I was really excited for this idea, albeit terrified at the same time, and now I don't even know if I can or should do it with what's going on at work.
I haven't booked anything yet but I know where I want to go and roughly when with the odd idea of what I'm going to do whilst I'm there.
And okay, it may not be completely solo, my sister may join me if she has the money/can get the time off from her new job.
But, either way, it would be nice to get some sisterly bonding in there too as we used to get on so well before I went to uni. Although, it's not like we don't get on now, we're just distanced because of our physical whereabouts.
So, if my boss is leaving and no one else knows how to do my job how can I possibly take a full week off? All I'd be doing in my time off would be worrying about what's going on at work and that's not a real break, that's worse.
AGH, I don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore ☹
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