The Miniaturist

By Jessie Burton.

[There is 

nothing hidden 

that will not be revealed...

On an autumn day in 1686, eighteen-year-old 

Nella Oortman knocks at the door of a grand 

house in the wealthiest quarter of Amsterdam. 

She has come from the country to begin a 

new life as the wife of illustrious merchant 

trader Johannes Brandt, but instead she is met 

by his sharp-tongued sister, Marin. Only later 

does Johannes appear and present her with 

an extraordinary wedding gift: a cabinet-sized 

replica of their home. It is to be furnished by 

an elusive miniaturist, whose tiny creations 

mirror their real-life counterparts in 

unexpected ways...

Nella is at first mystified by the closed world of 

the Brandt household, but as she uncovers its 

secrets she realises the escalating dangers that 

await them all. Does the miniaturist hold their 

fate in her hands? And will she be the key to their 

salvation or the architect of their downfall?

Beautiful, intoxicating and filled with 

heart-pounding suspense, The Miniaturist is 

a magnificent story of love and obsession, 

betrayal and retribution, appearance 

and truth.]

I was really rather confused by this whole book.

Not confused as in I didn't know what was going on, because I did. 

But confused because the title is The Miniaturist, and, yes, a miniaturist did feature in the book but not nearly as much as I thought she would do. 

I kind of didn't see the point in her even being in the book, she had no impact whatsoever really and it was all left in the air as to what or who she really was. 

In fact, she had completely disappeared by the end, crucial moments of the plot, so I'm baffled.

I enjoyed the setting. Amsterdam sounds like such a beautiful and enchanting place and the style this was written in was perfect.

I loved Burton's character development as well. She really knows how to show all of their underlying flaws even among their more boisterous traits.

I was a little unhappy overall about the plot. It didn't seem to go anywhere at all for quite a while and then everything suddenly happened at once and it all seemed quite random.

The ending also left me feeling a little deflated and lost with two of the characters being killed off so suddenly (one more so than the other). 

I don't know why, but I presumed at least one of those two characters would survive, that the other characters would find a way to save them, but maybe that would be me hoping for a happy-ever-after ending when you don't always get them!

Another comment I would like to make, unrelated to the plot or characters, is about the actual bound print of this book. It is absolutely stunning. A friend bought me it as a present and I love the whole blue lining of each page and the floral endpapers. It's beautiful.

I wish I could have enjoyed this a bit more to be honest.



✌︎

Wahaca, Westfield, Stratford

I think I'm a romanticist. At least I think that's the right word for it.

Constantly got my head in the clouds, dreaming.

I get so into the romantic gestures of the relationships on TV programmes I watch or in novels I read.

I don't know whether life can be that extravagantly romanticised but it's the little things that count.

Leading on from this, I've had another fab weekend with Adeel.

Maybe I'm just feeling more loving because our fourth anniversary is coming up or maybe I'm happy we got past the bumps in the road that prevented us last time.

Or maybeeee I just love him a lotta lot 🙊

Anyway, we unexpectedly went out for a spot of lunch today.

The reason it was so unexpected was because 1) I hadn't even expected to see him today as he'd been unwell and 2) I'm not very spontaneous, especially when it comes to trying new places or even eating out.

We tried a little ol' Mexican restaurant called Wahaca, right next to Westfield in Stratford.

I have to say I was a little dubious at first. 

As we walked in the tables reminded me of something you would see in a canteen or a cafe you would stop by in for a quick bite.

But, as I looked around I noticed little touches of eccentric, abstract beauty.

Vibrant, intriguing graffiti plasters a portion of the ceiling. Retro-like prints line the toilet doors eloquently named Kings and Queens depending on your gender. White panels of wood contrast beautifully with the patterned floor.

The atmosphere was perfect. I didn't once feel uncomfortable or like I was being bothered by any of the staff. In fact, the staff welcomed us warmly and helped with any of our questions.

And, now, the food.

My God, the first bite went in for both myself and Adeel and we were in awe.

Similar to The Real Greek, you can order a handful of smaller dishes (known aptly as Street Food) or a normal sized portion as in any other restaurant (known as Bigger Food).

Adeel chose Ancho Chicken Baja Tacos, two amazing, soft tortillas filled with a slightly spicy and smoky chicken, and Smoky Chipotle Chicken Quesadillas, more chicken in a beautifully spiced tomato sauce on top of a toasted tortilla.

I went for Smoky Chicken & Avocado Tostadas, a cold dish of chicken and guacamole slathered with mayo and plopped on top of a crunchy tortilla, and Sweet Potato & Feta Taquitos, crispy tortillas rolled into cigar shapes and filled with sweet potato, covered in salsa, mayo and feta.

We also shared some sweet potato bites, perfectly smoky and crunchy, and a Virgin Mojito, the freshest and most revitalising mocktail I've ever had.

And all for a reasonable price too. 

They also have a snazzy app you can download to pay your bill on instead of having to wait around for your waiter to assist you. 

The easiest, quickest meal I've had in a long while and the flavours were amazing too.

Perfect.

This is not a sponsored post, all opinions are my own.

✌︎

Elantris

This is a few days late. It's been a mega hectic kinda week so I apologise for the tardiness.

Audio book numero trois: Elantris

By Brandon Sanderson,

Narrated by Jack Garrett

Image from Goodreads

[Elantris was built on magic and it thrived. But
then the magic began to fade and Elantris
began to rot. Now its shattered citizens face
domination by a powerful Imperium. Can a
young Princess unite the people of Elantris, and
lead a rebellion against the imperial zealots?]

I love Brandon Sanderson's novels.

I love the way he writes. 

He always uses so much detail and colour and vibrancy. 

It creates such a clear picture in my mind that it's like watching a film come to life.

I love getting to know his characters as well. 

Raoden and Sarene, in particular, were very good protagonists, but even Hrathen in the end was another I came to enjoy reading about.

They were all portrayed so realistically - character trait-wise, not magical element-wise - that you couldn't not love them, despite their faults. 

Even the minor characters were well-developed and interesting.

The plot was flawless. 

The way Sanderson flicks between different points of view is great, it really gives a full view of the story and the twist at the end was brilliant. 

I really didn't see it coming.

There's a beautiful mix of magic, love, friendship, religion and action in this epic first novel of Sanderson's.

It really is a great read - or listen - and I'm thoroughly looking forward to listening to more of his novels in the future!




✌

What People Fail To Tell You About Growing Up

No one ever told you the exact age you would start to, well, age. Pretty sure my forehead has gotten a few wrinkles already from just pure frown creases. Boo.

No one ever told you that the jealousy of others would never dissipate. Women and men in their 30s and 40s seem to have it so together but does it ever leave us no matter what clothes, cars or objects we own?

No one ever told you in school the important things you'd need to do as an adult such as taxes, credit cards and how to get by when things aren't going so well.

No one ever told you that you would continue to feel like a teenager even once you're a fully fledged adult.

No one ever told you how hard it is to find different meals to cook each night and not just the same basics over and over again until you want to pull your hair out.

No one ever told you how much you'd regret not doing at university (for most this would probably mean more studying, drinking less and going out less) but for me, I wish I had taken the chance and gone out more.

No one ever told you how hard relationships actually are and how you have to be constantly working at them and figuring out a future together is one of the most exciting, frustrating of processes.

No one ever told you how to have a spotless house all of the time. Where does all that dust come from?!

No one ever told you how to love yourself for who you are and to enjoy your own company.

No one ever told you that your so-called teenage acne would persist into your adult years.

What did no one ever tell you?



✌

Me Before You

Oh, wow, this filmmmm!

I've been wanting to see this since I googled Sam Claflin sometime last year and saw he was to be in a romance film with Emilia Clarke.

I thought it would be soppy and just meh okay, and I only really wanted to see it because of the cast. But, it was actually really good.

Image from Pinterest

Let's start with the cast.

Emilia Clarke, even though at first it took some getting used to (for a Game of Thrones fan) of seeing her all bubbly and smiley, she portrayed the role really really well. 

By the end of the film I was convinced that this was probably more of what she is like off screen as well. 

She was funny, had an awful eclectic taste in fashion and always managed to paste a smile onto her face and look on the bright side. 

We should all be a little like Lou if I'm honest (maybe except the fashion sense!)

Sam Claflin, although he didn't have many mobile scenes due to said accident in the film, I think he still did a grand job. 

I loved watching his character progress from a bitter, sarcastic know-it-all to an open, calmer, more loving one. 

With such a limiting role, in the sense of movement, he really did it justice and it looked very realistic!

The supporting cast were all quite good as well. 

I was surprised to see Matthew Lewis in it (!) but he plays such a different character from his Harry Potter days, that (even if I didn't think it before) he is such a talented actor to make me feel frustrated by his character in this. 

Charles Dance as always was fab. There isn't a role out there that he can't play. 

Steve Peacocke did a good job of being the on-call Doctor. 

And Janet McTeer did a wonderful job as Will's mum. The struggles over their son between her and Charles Dance's character were heartbreaking and definitely shows the friction an accident can cause and the different mindsets between even parents over what their son should do.

Now, as for the plot, I had a feeling something awful was going to happen at the end, I just didn't know how it would come about, but it was stated pretty early on in the film of what Will wanted. It was just a case of if Lou could change his mind. 

In that case, as a viewer, I had that sense of doom hanging over me for the entire film which made me not really believe all of the little happy moments. 

There were so many ups and downs with his health and with him finally trusting Lou and then the wedding moment and all (not Lou and Will's - sorry, spoiler!) 

I loved watching the pair blossom into friendship and then a little more, it was just so sweet.

An all over the place with emotions kinda film! 

But definitely a great watch, albeit a sad one.

If anything came out of it, it's that it made me want to rush home to A even more and never let him go. 

You really do have to appreciate every moment you have with someone.

---

Rating:
★★★★★



✌

Is Romance Dead?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking specifics here, I'm not complaining about my own relationship because, as far as that goes, it's great. I honestly couldn't feel any happier at the moment.

I'm talking general romance.

Over the years, I've heard a lot about how our generation aren't very romantic, especially compared to the likes of those brought up decades ago.

Like, what is it that made them so romantic? What is romance exactly?

Is it that they did actual dates, that guys literally came to pick a girl up for one, courted them, bought them a bouquet of flowers unexpectedly, treated her with respect? I mean, what does any of that even mean anymore?

We may blame guys for not sticking their necks out trying to be romantic because, let's face it, liking someone's picture on social media is much easier than engaging in a proper conversation ey? Guys these days are too worried about what other guys will think if they actually make effort for a girl, worried if it'll damage their reputability or their masculinity.

But girls aren't exactly all prim and proper either. We're as bad as the guys, revealing a little too much (whether that be skin or about ourselves to strangers), drinking too much and just not being, well, very classy.

I honestly think technology - although it's great - has ruined romance. What do you reach for first thing in the morning, your phone or your partner? Or out for a meal, who actually talks anymore? Everyone is constantly glued to their phones.

We idolise these ridiculous relationships on TV, we are obsessed with how we look and how we are perceived by others, we are ego-ridden.

Okay, there are still some old romantics at heart out there, but they are vastly outnumbered.

I always believed I was born in the wrong era. I idolise the 1920's to 1960's and yet I was born in the era for ass-slapping and drunken one night stands instead.

I saw a picture the other week about how we're coming up to 2020 soon and how we should bring back the 1920's approach. I couldn't agree more.

What do you think of romance today - do you prefer it over what used to be?

❤

Is Television Too Romanticised?

What is it with everything being all perfect and lovey-dovey in everything I watch these days? 

No matter what the guy did (even if he's messed everything up, they still end up together after some romantic act of sacrifice or whatever).

I know when I was studying film, we learnt that it was because we - as humans - need a satisfying ending, something to give us hope, but isn't it all a little superficial now?

I get it, I do, but media make out a first kiss to be the most magical thing in the world - fireworks and a peak in some upbeat music. 

But what does a first kiss actually entail?

Jitters and guesswork was mine. 

Heartbeat racing so fast I couldn't concentrate. 

That's right, I had to concentrate on a kiss. 

I don't know what it was like for Adeel, but come on, kissing is so much better when you've been together for a while - you both know what you're doing and what the other one likes. 

The same goes for sex too. It's really not all that romantic for the first time like it's made out to be.

Am I just not that into this whole romantic crap? Or is it all just overly exaggerated on TV to make our hearts swoon? 

It's not exactly fair on us.

No wonder girls expect all of this rubbish. 

Guys don't really have a chance in hell of competing with the likes of Johnny Castle, Jack Dawson and Noah Calhoun now, do they?

We need to make our own expectations and stop trying to live up to the lives of fantasy couples that aren't all that realistic in the first place.

To live in the moment and not in our heads!

✌

Judgement

Earlier this month I pretty much saw somebody I know lose almost everything he had. We look at other people's relationships like they're better than ours, never actually knowing what goes on behind closed doors and over the past few months I got a glimpse into the imperfect side, of the breaking down of a relationship and of its complete and utter crumbling apart. 

It made me think, how well do we really know someone?

I lived with this couple, they shared a room just next to mine in this house share of ours. But I went around - since the time they moved in almost 2 years ago I think?! - passing judgement, thinking I knew exactly what was going on, when all in all, I think I was completely wrong.

I watched as she seemingly did all of the so called "chores" us women sometimes get lumbered with. She cleaned her room thoroughly once a week, she did all of the laundry many times a week, she cooked, she did the grocery shopping. All I ever saw of him was smoking in the garden or chatting amiably on the iPad to somebody back in Spain. Yes, I envied them at times with what I thought was their easy going nature and seemingly non-complicated lifestyle - but did I have it all wrong?

She left him earlier this month, emptying the contents of their lives into the bin - or taking it with her - leaving him with bare essentials, an empty room to continue renting and feelings of hatred, anger and hurt seeping through every word he said to me.

I think it's common that when someone leaves a relationship both parties resent the opposite sex, they blame the whole gender for that one persons behaviour, that one person they shared their lives with, even for a segment of it. But it brought me to the realisation that we all say things in the heat of the moment not knowing how much we are going to regret later on.

My relationship had every chance of turning out like theirs did, but it didn't and maybe I shouldn't take that for granted. I should try to keep my anger, mood swings, whatever, in check from now on. I don't want to end up hating him or making him hate me because I take my emotions out on him.

I feel so bad for the guy in my house share - obviously I don't know the full story, and I never will, but it really does make you think what a person is capable of or how they really feel. I thought the girl was selfish in this relationship, but only after he'd told me what went down. From his description she sounded controlling and my first words after he'd told me what she'd done was that she was crazy, but I still have no right to pass that judgement not knowing what has truly happened.

He's gone now too and every trace of them will be gone from this house when somebody else moves in, but what I'll remember of them will always stay with me - good and bad. I wish him all the best, and her too. I hope they find it in themselves to forgive one another for whatever it is that broke them apart. I hope they find love they can enjoy again. And I hope they don't regret a thing.

It's time to stop holding on to it all, maybe for me too. Why is it so hard to do the easy thing of simply letting all that built up anger and resentment go?



✌

Tough Love

Relationships are hard. Like really hard. And comparing your own to other, seemingly flawless couples out there can be a killer.

I'm not an expert at relationships, hell I'm not even an intermediate. But I still have a habit of comparing my own relationship to everyone else's that I come across - be it strangers on the tube entwining their fingers together or a loved up picture on Instagram.

No one ever really knows your relationship like you do. It doesn't matter how many copious details you spill to your bestie, they will never know what really goes on behind closed doors.

And, anyways, what works for one couple might not necessarily work for another. We're all unique and handle situations differently. We work through things how we see fit and not the other way around. Yes, we may try something someone has advised or suggested us to do, but in the end, it's whatever makes you both comfortable at the end of the day as to how you get through your issues.

❤

So, why do we still compare our relationships to theirs? Are we defined by the places we've been, the things we've done? Or by our Instagram photos, our Facebook updates?

There is no right way to do a relationship. They just unfold before us. 

It's a matter of perspective and learning and a relentless amount of compromise that sees us through.

Each to their own.

✌

The Soundtrack To My Life

I've been thinking a lot about music lately, about what specific songs mean to each individual, to each generation or to each nation. Music is so powerful, a simple lyric can bring back so many memories and I wanted to share with you today some of the songs that mean something to me, more than the normal love for a song.

To start, here are a few that uplift me, the ones that can always make me happy:

✴ Pharrell Williams - Happy
(This is probably a really obvious one, right? That scene in Despicable Me 2? Love it. This song always makes me happy because it's so upbeat!)
✴ David Bowie - Changes
(I don't even know how to describe my love for this song, except for recently making me feel a tad sad with the loss of this legend, the song still makes me feel incredibly uplifted)
✴ Rascal Flatts - Life Is A Highway
(Every time this comes on on my iPod when I'm on the tube, I have to contain myself really hard to not start blurting out all of the lyrics very loudly)

♫

Some that make me sad and most probably cry bucketfuls:

✴ Miley Cyrus - When I Look At You
(I heard this song for the first time when I watched The Last Song and it has moved me ever since. Seriously, I cry pretty much every time I listen to it)
✴ Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You
(Now, I've only listened to this song and the one below in the past year or so, but I discovered it when watching an episode of Buffy (God, I love that show) and, well, it was at the time when my relationship was in tatters and I was hurting, so this song really stuck in my mind)
✴ Nicole Scherzinger - Run
(The same as above, I somehow came across this song when I was hurting and it is so so powerful. Her voice is spectacular and even now when these two songs come on, all of those feelings come rushing back - but they are so good that I can't not listen to them. This song could also be in the category below - sends shivers down my spine every time)
✴ Charlie Puth - See You Again
(For obvious reasons this song makes me sad. Paul Walker? End of Fast and Furious 7? Cried like a baby in the cinema. Twice)

♫

The ones that make me shiver because the lyrics or the vocals are so amazing:

✴ Kate Voegele - Hallelujah
(I seem to discover all of my favourites on TV shows, this one was on an episode of One Tree Hill and I have to say, I think this is the best version of Hallelujah, it is absolutley stunning but I still don't really get what the song lyrics are about!)
✴ Gabrielle Aplin - The Power Of Love
(I used to associate this song with Christmas as the Frankie Goes To Hollywood version is on a Christmas album my family has, but since hearing this cover version, I love it more than ever. I think there's something about acoustic versions of songs that just make me appreciate the lyrics and vocals even more)
✴ Christina Perri - A Thousand Years
(This one is another of those that can fall into a different category, most likely the one where it gets me to appreciate or feel more in love. I know it's in Twilight, but it's beautiful)

♫

These ones make me feel empowered, strong. I can listen to them on full blast without a care in the world:

✴ Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj - Bang Bang
(I don't know what it is about this song, but I think it's something to do with strong women and it's a song that just makes me feel good when I listen to it)
✴ Cheryl - I Don't Care
(This is another one that's similar to above and just makes me want to jump around my bedroom singing along to it, it makes me forget all my worries and problems for a couple of minutes!)
✴ David Bowie - Heroes
(I loveeeeeeeee this bloody song! It's just amazing and I love David Bowie's voice and I love that it was included in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, that scene is beautiful and I JUST LOVE THIS SONG)
✴ David Bowie - Rebel Rebel
(Another of Mr. Bowie's. Basically this category are the feelgood ones that go beyond normal happiness)
✴ Take That - Hold Up A Light
(I'm sorry, I had to include a Take That one, okay? It's either this one, or Never Forget or Rule The World. But there is just something about this one that I love the most)
✴ Bon Jovi - I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
(Says it all in the name of the song really. Gets me through some of those moments where I'm so tired and want to give up on everything)

♫

The songs that make me appreciate love even more:

✴ Miley Cyrus - Dream
(I'm not even slightly ashamed to say this is in the Hannah Montana Movie because this song is brilliant, in fact, Miley Cyrus is brilliant even in her crazy ass state, she's still a wonderful singer)
✴ Ellie Goulding - Army
(I've only heard this recently but there was a specific lyric in it that called out to me "we both know what they say about us, but they don't stand a chance because, when I'm with you, I'm standing with an army")
✴ Ellie Goulding - Love Me Like You Do
(Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack is the best thing about the film and this song is the best of the bunch. I don't care if the film was rubbish in itself, this song just makes me feel all loved up)
✴ Paramore - Still Into You
(Ah, Paramore. This one is just a sweet reminder that romance does last)
✴ Carly Rae Jepson - I Really Like You
(I just love this video, especially that Tom Hanks is in it, and the song just makes me want to bounce around and smile all day)
✴ Eric Carmen - Hungry Eyes
(Out of all of the songs in this category, this one is my favourite at the moment. Seriously, I. Can't. Stop. Listening. To. It. It's even better than Dirty Dancing's signature tune. LOVE IT)

♫

And finally, and notably the list that gets listened to the most, the one I listen to when I'm angry, that I also listen to on full blast, glaring at everyone in my path:

✴ Aerosmith - Dude Looks Like A Lady
(Seriously, most of these songs have links to one film or another! Mrs Doubtfire. Every time I hear it I think of that scene, Robin Williams dressed as an old woman cleaning the house! It is just amazing to listen to when I'm angry though - you won't hear a thing from anything else around you if you do listen to this one full blast!)
✴ Gavin DeGraw - I Don't Want To Be
(One Tree Hill theme song and another brilliant masterpiece. One I listen to when I feel people are trying to change who I am)
✴ Bon Jovi - Blame It On The Love Of Rock And Roll
(Ugh, man, Bon Jovi is a God. I don't know why I listen to this one when I'm angry but it's probably because of the insance guitar riffs and rock vibe)
✴ OneRepublic - Secrets
(Another one from a film, this time The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Listen to this one when you're just done with hiding how you really feel. "I'm gonna give all my secrets away")
✴ Robbie Williams - Let Me Entertain You
(Had to end it on the one I always, always listen to when I'm angry. It's fast, Robbie's voice is all gravelly and it's just so so good to listen to at top volume!)

♫

So there you have it, a little peek into my iPod playlists according to my mood! Obviously these aren't all of the songs, but they are definitely the ones I listen to most often and that I never, ever, get sick of!



✌

"Falling In Love Is The Easy Part"

I came across this video (below) the other day and it really struck something in me (from about 9:30 onwards, although the entire video is definitely worth a watch). In a way, Mandy Len Catron has reassured me that a relationship isn't always meant to be excitement and joy, it's a lot of work, and she even went so far as to say love is a choice.

I've been in a relationship now for just over three years. We broke up after one year and 11 months because neither of us knew how to deal with our problems - this is my first relationship ever and he hasn't been in any other long-term ones - so we broke it off, thinking it would be best for us to just stay friends.

It wasn't.

I was hurting. He was hurting. I joined Tinder on New Years Eve of that year after my best friend and her sister were swiping away, encouraging me to join in. I flirted a bit with some genuinely nice people, and then there were some particularly crude guys that I chose to ignore. With this, I continued to see my ex (at the time) as well. 

He went on a date, which hurt me more. And we both just ended up more confused and hurt than ever with our complicated situation. We both seemed to be trying to move on, but with each other still in our lives - not wanting to let go completely.

Three and a half months later, we decided to get back together, coming to an agreement that we needed to communicate more and try harder with each other. This led to us being happier than ever and, now, just over another year later we are still going strong.

That's not to say that we don't still have some tough times, obstacles that need to be overcome in order for us to progress - but we are much better than the first time around. We are in a much happier place now and I think that is what Mandy was getting at. 

"Falling in love is not the same thing as staying in love."

Love is a choice because any one of us could choose to take the easy way out and end a relationship for another seemingly simpler one, or because it doesn't have the same spark it once did. But, choosing to continue and work through all of your hard problems, resisting temptation, is what I believe is the best thing. It's difficult and you can sometimes want to end it, but choosing to stay with that person through thick and thin is what life is all about. You want someone to support you through everything, and you them.

It's scary to think that either one of you could fall out of love with one another or in love with someone else. But is it that truly love or is something lacking in your current relationship that only needs a little bit of work? Throwing something great away for a spur-of-the-moment feeling could be a waste of your time when the relationship you're already in could just need a little bit of TLC.

Doubt is the hardest thing to battle with, especially when both you and your partner have to deal with it. But, I would rather have a relationship with someone who is my best friend, someone who knows me inside and out and loves me, even with all of my flaws - and his - than to give it up for something that could just end up being a fling or because my brain is all over the place, not knowing what to do, or how to cope with either of our doubts. 

He may frustrate me, or me him (definitely), but I know I will always be there for him, and him me because time and time again we choose to work through our problems and to be with one another through it all.

"Love didn't happen to us. We're in love because we each made the choice to be."

So, Happy Valentine's day, I hope you spend it with someone who means the world to you - whether that be an other half, family or friends.

Treasure them. Appreciate them. Love them unconditionally.

❤

Do You Ever Feel Not Good Enough?

Don't get me wrong, I love both of my parents to pieces but I often feel that my efforts or achievements go unnoticed or get brushed aside, like I could have done better.

I've recently been made permanent in my job (previously being on a short-term contract) and, obviously, I let both of my parents know almost straight away. After initial happiness, my dad asked me if I got a raise (something he keeps pestering me about), which makes me infuriated because I've only been there officially since October - having done a bout of work experience and an internship on and off since June. I'm happy with what I'm being paid, especially considering I only graduated in November! Plus, it's not exactly like it's a bad amount, it's great!

And then there's my mum. Every time I say I've taken a day off work or cancelled plans because of feeling unwell, she'll make me feel really guilty and worried, putting thoughts in my head that the company will let me go or that my friends may give up trying to get together. It makes me feel way worse than I already did! I mean I started off in waitressing, where they made me feel guilty for being ill - it's like the top guys didn't ever get sick or they would have expected you to work through it. So, you know, I already feel incredibly guilty before my mum even says anything. I've taken to not even telling her now because I know what she'll say.

And I'm not even going to say what comments they've made about my relationship or my anxiety. I just can't believe some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths, it makes me feel like I can't even talk to them sometimes. And it doesn't help that one of them lives halfway across the world and the other isn't very talkative on the phone!

/Rant over.

I know this is a very moany post and I do want to reiterate that I love them both so much and I appreciate everything they've ever done for me, I just had to get this off my chest - it's been bothering me for a long while.

Anywayssss, I'm happy with my job, my pay, my relationship, the amount of sick days I've actually taken compared to my attendance at uni last year and how I keep improving my control over my anxiety.

And that's all that matters, right?!

✌

A New Year

I feel like now university is over I can finally do all the things I want to. I can look after myself better and enjoy time with Adeel instead of worrying about deadlines. This year I want to fall more and more in love, to cherish every moment with those I hold dearest, and to maybe, just maybe, love myself, to forgive myself for things I haven't done right, to appreciate myself with all my imperfections and to be truly happy with the man I love.

Image from Pinterest

Here are my new year resolutions:

✵ To take more photos for the blog and in general, because my passion has dissipated over the years

✵ To meet Adeel's parents

✵ To see my family and friends more

✵ To balance life and work

✵ To edit one chapter of my book per week/month

✵ To move in with Adeel which we've been talking about and counting down to for ages

✵ To declutter my bedroom

✵ To go on more dates with Adeel

✵ To go to Disneyland or Ireland

✵ To take care of my skin

✵ To travel more

✵ To give to charity

✵ To read more

✵ To be more creative

✵ To love more

✽