Thoughts On Being Stubborn

What is the point in being stubborn?

I mean does it really do anyone any good?

adjective

• having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good reasons to do so
• difficult to move, remove, or cure

I've tried a lot in the past few months to not be as stubborn as I know I have been, but there are just some weeks that, no matter what, I will be horrifically difficult, so much so that I'm only causing myself problems in the process.

So why are we stubborn?

I find that, for me, being stubborn is actually resisting what I really want to do in my heart. But going against what I want to do is somehow showing that I'm strong, I don't depend on people, or that I've simply given up feeling like I do when I'm not being stubborn.

I have a feeling none of this is making even the slightest bit of sense.

But, for instance, of late I feel a lot like if people want to remain friends then they should contact me first for a change because I always seem to be the one to initiate. But then, should you really think like that if you want to remain friends with them?

One case of this is the fact that someone recently sort of is not in my life so much anymore and they haven't said a word since, yet they've contacted others. I mean maybe the others contacted them first and I'm just overthinking it, but I feel like they don't consider me a friend when I felt like we clearly were for the past year, so I don't know.

The other case is with Adeel. If he annoys me or I'm not getting enough of his attention I tend to be short with him to show that I'm annoyed instead of just telling him what's wrong. And then he gets annoyed and so on. It's stupid. I'm stupid.

I end up arguing with myself back and forth for weeks sometimes about whether or not I should quit being so stubborn and just own up to my mistakes or initiate the conversation.

And a lot of the time I do, but there's this one situation where I just haven't given in yet and I can't bring myself to change my mind otherwise.

Basically being stubborn does you no good in the long run and you should focus on trying to be a better person instead of hoping others will change.

At the end of the day if you're the nicest person you can be then it doesn't matter how others treat you because you've done all you can.

Sorry for the weird rant this week.

Judgement

Earlier this month I pretty much saw somebody I know lose almost everything he had. We look at other people's relationships like they're better than ours, never actually knowing what goes on behind closed doors and over the past few months I got a glimpse into the imperfect side, of the breaking down of a relationship and of its complete and utter crumbling apart. 

It made me think, how well do we really know someone?

I lived with this couple, they shared a room just next to mine in this house share of ours. But I went around - since the time they moved in almost 2 years ago I think?! - passing judgement, thinking I knew exactly what was going on, when all in all, I think I was completely wrong.

I watched as she seemingly did all of the so called "chores" us women sometimes get lumbered with. She cleaned her room thoroughly once a week, she did all of the laundry many times a week, she cooked, she did the grocery shopping. All I ever saw of him was smoking in the garden or chatting amiably on the iPad to somebody back in Spain. Yes, I envied them at times with what I thought was their easy going nature and seemingly non-complicated lifestyle - but did I have it all wrong?

She left him earlier this month, emptying the contents of their lives into the bin - or taking it with her - leaving him with bare essentials, an empty room to continue renting and feelings of hatred, anger and hurt seeping through every word he said to me.

I think it's common that when someone leaves a relationship both parties resent the opposite sex, they blame the whole gender for that one persons behaviour, that one person they shared their lives with, even for a segment of it. But it brought me to the realisation that we all say things in the heat of the moment not knowing how much we are going to regret later on.

My relationship had every chance of turning out like theirs did, but it didn't and maybe I shouldn't take that for granted. I should try to keep my anger, mood swings, whatever, in check from now on. I don't want to end up hating him or making him hate me because I take my emotions out on him.

I feel so bad for the guy in my house share - obviously I don't know the full story, and I never will, but it really does make you think what a person is capable of or how they really feel. I thought the girl was selfish in this relationship, but only after he'd told me what went down. From his description she sounded controlling and my first words after he'd told me what she'd done was that she was crazy, but I still have no right to pass that judgement not knowing what has truly happened.

He's gone now too and every trace of them will be gone from this house when somebody else moves in, but what I'll remember of them will always stay with me - good and bad. I wish him all the best, and her too. I hope they find it in themselves to forgive one another for whatever it is that broke them apart. I hope they find love they can enjoy again. And I hope they don't regret a thing.

It's time to stop holding on to it all, maybe for me too. Why is it so hard to do the easy thing of simply letting all that built up anger and resentment go?



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