Do You Ever Feel Not Good Enough?

Don't get me wrong, I love both of my parents to pieces but I often feel that my efforts or achievements go unnoticed or get brushed aside, like I could have done better.

I've recently been made permanent in my job (previously being on a short-term contract) and, obviously, I let both of my parents know almost straight away. After initial happiness, my dad asked me if I got a raise (something he keeps pestering me about), which makes me infuriated because I've only been there officially since October - having done a bout of work experience and an internship on and off since June. I'm happy with what I'm being paid, especially considering I only graduated in November! Plus, it's not exactly like it's a bad amount, it's great!

And then there's my mum. Every time I say I've taken a day off work or cancelled plans because of feeling unwell, she'll make me feel really guilty and worried, putting thoughts in my head that the company will let me go or that my friends may give up trying to get together. It makes me feel way worse than I already did! I mean I started off in waitressing, where they made me feel guilty for being ill - it's like the top guys didn't ever get sick or they would have expected you to work through it. So, you know, I already feel incredibly guilty before my mum even says anything. I've taken to not even telling her now because I know what she'll say.

And I'm not even going to say what comments they've made about my relationship or my anxiety. I just can't believe some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths, it makes me feel like I can't even talk to them sometimes. And it doesn't help that one of them lives halfway across the world and the other isn't very talkative on the phone!

/Rant over.

I know this is a very moany post and I do want to reiterate that I love them both so much and I appreciate everything they've ever done for me, I just had to get this off my chest - it's been bothering me for a long while.

Anywayssss, I'm happy with my job, my pay, my relationship, the amount of sick days I've actually taken compared to my attendance at uni last year and how I keep improving my control over my anxiety.

And that's all that matters, right?!

✌