Aimless and Unmotivated

Do you ever just feel like you're going through the motions, just going along with life as it sees fit, not how you would like it to go?

I don't know what's wrong with me of late, but I just cannot pull myself together.

I mean there's nothing wrong with my life, I just feel like I'm going nowhere.

I'm not motivated to run, I'm not motivated to write - blog posts or my book, I'm not motivated to do anything. Work doesn't seem as enjoyable anymore, I'm tired of living with these people but also scared to move on somewhere new.

I'm also at that point in the year where my body has decided it doesn't like the change in the weather so it's produced a mass outbreak all over my chest and back which, yanno, doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Grand.

I hate having these down moments and I feel awful for moaning about it considering these problems aren't proper problems for the likes of those who are homeless or disaster has struck their homes. Those people out there who would give anything for a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. But I guess everyone has their own problems to deal with.

The picture above was taken whilst I was at my grandparents on Saturday. It was the most relaxing long weekend I've had in a while.

I had from Wednesday off and I drove home on Thursday. I spent the majority of my time unpacking my room as it had all been packed up for my carpet to be redone (and if that doesn't contrast completely with a couple sentences above then I don't know what does). It was so calming to go through all my teenage memories and relive them.

I chucked a lot of stuff or bagged it for charities which made me feel like I was doing some good in the world.

I considered last year even going to another country to help in the rainforests or in building volunteer projects or in helping with disaster relief. But I didn't realise you had to pay a couple of grand just to volunteer. Why is the world ruled by money?

Getting sidetracked... anyways, after unpacking all of Friday and a bit of Thursday afternoon it was nice to spend the day at my grandparents and chill out in the sun. Their garden is so beautiful, full of colourful flowers and wildlife ornaments.

I sometimes wish I could spend more time there. Living in London has separated me from my family even more and it bugs me.

Adeel is so close to his family and gets to see them all very frequently. I feel like an awful granddaughter, cousin, sister, niece, friend because I'm never around.

I feel like I've already said all of this. But I don't feel needed.

And TV shows don't help. They're all perfect and beautiful. Yes they're not real but they make me feel insignificant and disgusted with myself.

God that was depressing. Just a big fat bleurgh of thoughts all over this page.

Now I'm going to go and finish reading HP7 because a little bit of magic always makes me feel better.

✌︎