Memories And A Future Home

This past weekend I actually made an effort to go and see my little sister for once. I normally just seem to wait until my dad asks me to come down to his and she's either there or she isn't.

I was worried it would be a little awkward, what with not seeing her mum since her and my dad's divorce or spending any alone time with Holly... Ever. I mean, what do you even talk about with an eleven year old?

Anyways, it was completely fine. She chatted away amiably for the 6 or so hours we were together. I took her to my favourite park which we both just so happen to have visited countless times - Kelsey Park in Beckenham. We ambled around without an aim in the world, except for feeding the squirrels and ducks of course.

We wandered by the golf course but it was closed which was odd, so we grabbed an ice cream and continued feeding the wildlife along the way. After running out of bread we decided to head to the cinema as some thunderstorms were due in the afternoon.

We saw The Secret Life of Pets. It was an okay-ish film, but an easy one to watch nevertheless. Once the film was over we grabbed a bite to eat at Zizzi's, the one known for being the place David Bowie performed his first gig at I believe, when a pub stood there previously.

As we still had an hour and a bit to kill before I took her back, we headed back to the park to feed more squirrels and see if the golf course was open. It was and even though we heard a loud rumble of thunder in the distance, we decided to brave it and play anyway.

Of course, when we got to hole number two it decided to start raining, the thunder getting louder and louder as we went along and the rain plummeting down. We continued on nevertheless. Definitely a new experience!

But, after a good day, you know what stood out to me? Seeing this couple in the cinema, or, I should say, family.

Just before the lights went down a man and a woman came in with another man not far behind them, a toddler holding the woman's hand and a baby curled around the first man's torso. I'm not going to go into details of why this stood out to me because it could come across wrong, like I don't know how to explain it without sounding weird. But, the point is, they gave me hope.

I always get these moments where my hope dwindles and I wonder if me and A will ever get through our current issues, or why it's so hard or if it can even work. And then I see all these couples and it never really helps. But seeing this couple did, and it got me thinking about all sorts of memories.

Do you ever feel like there are specific scenes in your life that stand out in particular to you? They may seem like nothing at the time and then you find yourself not being able to stop thinking about them.

I have one from a few years back when things weren't going great. It was in the heat of summer, I actually had a day off of work and Adeel was visiting. We were literally just laying in our underwear on the bed sideways, a fan blowing cool tendrils over our skin and some unimportant game on in the background from the World Cup. His arm lay over me. I could feel his warmth behind me even though it was a sweltering hot day and, in that moment, life was perfect.

That memory got me through some of the tough times that came after. I don't know why because it probably didn't mean a thing to him, but it was so serene and uninterrupted.

It's moments like those that actually tend to be perfect and something you wish could go on longer.

And now I have another one from two weekends ago. Similar to the first, but different in so many ways regarding our headspace and the situation. I hadn't seen him in two weeks due to family commitments on both our parts and he came for the Friday night of that weekend. We literally crawled into bed, all snuggled in the dark and the rain was pouring outside.

For nights after and, even now, almost two weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it. It hasn't been needed to help get me through any panicky moments, because I'm glad to say that rarely happens anymore. The reason I can't stop thinking about it is because it's a sign of the future, something to look forward to every night. It doesn't have to be pouring outside but I get to know that I will always have him to come home to. No matter how good or bad a day was, I will always be able to curl up beside him and fall into a safe and peaceful sleep.

I don't know what brought this stream of thought on, but I guess it's just been one of those weeks where I've been able to appreciate what I do have.

I suppose the couple in the cinema and the memory from a couple of weekends ago just seemed to click into place making me feel unable to contain my excitement for the future.

A lot has happened this week that has made me think. Life is way too short to worry about all the crap that I do, and I know I can't seem to stop wishing away the present so the future will be here, but I've definitely been appreciating the smaller moments a bit more, the simple moments that are overlooked daily.

I've even been thinking back to the first days, weeks and months that I met Adeel and how everything has changed but gotten so much better.

Those moments will last a lifetime in my mind even if I can't paste them into a blog post or a scrapbook physically, they will always be with me because they are the moments that get me through, the moments that made us who we are and the ones I will treasure.

I know this post was probably a bit ramble-y, but I like doing these sort of ones. I feel like I can get more off of my chest and open up about things, in a healthy way, that have been bothering me.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

✌

Black-Eyed Susan's

By Julia Heaberlin

I know this is another review and I promised other content on Sunday's but they're all still a work in progress. This week's just been kinda hectic and I find reviews easier to whip up than the others which tend to need a tiny bit of planning. 

Sorry!

[I am the star of screaming tabloid headlines and campfire ghost stories. I am one of the four Black-Eyed Susan's. The lucky one. 

Left with three other girls in a grave shrouded by black-eyed Susan's, Tessa alone survived, her testimony helping to put a killer behind bars. 

Now, sixteen years later, he is about to be executed. But Tessa feels no relief. Because someone is planting black-eyed Susan's outside her window. Someone is sending her daughter sinister messages. And there's a lawyer telling her the man about to be put to death is innocent. 

Which can mean only one thing: the wrong man has been sentenced, the real killer is still out there and Tessa might not be the last Black-Eyed Susan...]

I was recommended this book by a colleague at work as I was looking for something that wasn't my usual YA or fantasy fiction and a murder mystery was definitely something I needed.

It kept me hooked all the way through. At one point, I thought it would even be one of those books where you didn't find out who the real killer was, which would have been really frustrating- that's how close to the end they left the reveal!

But, the main thing, the thing I am really happy about is that I actually guessed who the murderer was, a few chapters before the end too, and I was right! I'm never right, I always get so absorbed in the story that I never like to jump to conclusions about who it might be (in films anyway), but for some reason in this, I just knew.

Dramatic. Beautiful imagery. Great characters with lots of flaws and depth to them. Told very well, flipping back and forth between past and present (got a little confusing at times), but it really came into its own at the end, letting us - and Tessa - find out who the murderer was simultaneously, but through different methods.

Brilliant.

The only thing is, it never really explained how the serial killer came to pick Tessa or why he did it. The bits afterwards make sense with them hiding in plain sight and the whole deal with Lydia, but it never really covered the whole before bit which left a few questions pinging in my head that are never going to be answered.

Oh well, I guess you can't win them all! Still a great read.



✌

The Silmarillion

By J R R Tolkien. 

Narrated by Martin Shaw.

[The Silmarillion is an account of the Elder Days, of the First Age of Tolkien's world. It is the ancient drama to which the characters in The Lord of the Rings look back, and in whose events some of them such as Elrond and Galadriel took part. The tales of The Silmarillion are set in an age when Morgoth, the first Dark Lord, dwelt in Middle-Earth, and the High Elves made war upon him for the recovery of the Silmarils, the jewels containing the pure light of Valinor.

Included in the book are several shorter works. 'The Ainulindale' is a myth of the Creation and in the Valaquenta the nature and powers of each of the gods is described. 'The Akallabeth' recounts the downfall of the great island kingdom of Númenor at the end of the Second Age and 'Of the Rings of Power' tells of the great events at the end of the Third Age, as narrated in The Lord of the Rings.]

I've been wanting to read this one for a while now and I had, in fact, started it a long time ago but I just found it quite difficult to get my head around, so I thought listening to it would be a bit easier!

I certainly understood it better, especially as I read a review beforehand saying that you should think of it more as a bible instead of an ongoing story, a bible of how the Tolkien world and specific characters came about.

I thought, overall, it was good, a lot to take in, and interesting to see how everything was created and linked up to the following novels. I must admit, I got confused at times and still had to read a summary guide after each chapter just to make sure I understood what was going on. The narrator had a very soothing voice so I kept missing bits as well, my mind wandering away to other things!

I also tended to get very excited whenever someone I knew was mentioned (i.e. Galadriel, Gandalf, Saruman, Sauron, Aragorn, Frodo, Elrond and even Shelob's ancestor!)

Definitely worth a read if you're interested in knowing a full in-depth backstory. Very descriptive as always and am even more eager to re-read Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit again.



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Resting Bitch Face Problems

So this weekend I finally managed to finish or, at least, get up to date with Pretty Little Liars and in perfect timing too as the new series starts next week. 

Even just a day going by knowing that I have nothing new to watch from them is making me feel lost. That feeling you get every time you finish a TV series, you never know what to do with yourself!

In other news, I'm really beginning to push myself when I'm running. We are slowly being able to run longer and improve the breathing techniques and, well, just get better in general. I'm really surprised at how much I actually love it.

That's not what this post is about though.

This post is about that good ol' term resting bitch face and the problems I know I've definitely noticed of dealing with it.

A (not Pretty Little Liars A, my A... aha) and I were talking about this the other weekend when he was here. I keep moaning about all these people that never move out of my way, like I am always the one that needs to move if someone is walking in my direction. Even if they are a group and I literally have nowhere else to go. 

It's so frustrating.

Yet, the seas of people part for A - which was tested out thoroughly in Westfield funnily enough. He said you have to show strength and look like you aren't going to give in to moving. But, I know damn well that half of the time when I'm walking somewhere (more like 90% of the time) I will have a resting bitch face - which, in my opinion, is pretty much the look that says you aren't gonna move. 

Is that why they don't move though?

It's nothing I choose to have, it's just there, the frustration at slow walkers and tourists etched all over my face. But if I see someone else with that sort of face, I, well, move for them because they look like a moody cow. 

Just saying.

So, is it something about me that people don't want to move for? Is it because they presume I'm a moody cow and that it's not just how my face is when I'm not thinking about anything? Or am I just unfortunate enough to think I'm running into all of the annoying people when I shouldn't even take any notice?

It's probably because I get annoyed so easily at anything and everything that this even bothers me. I can get quite moody a lot of the time.

But, I always judge other people by their resting bitch faces, assuming that they are just stuck up, but maybe I shouldn't if I suffer from the same problem. 

I think it's weird though that people expect you to walk around with a smile on your face, yet if I see someone, alone, and smiling it's just weird. Or if you come into the office and people ask you if something's wrong. Nope, just my face!

I just don't know how to change my face, to soften it or something when I'm walking to and from work. It means I will always have to be concentrating on that instead of just letting my mind wander and my face rest in it's bitch-like state.

I guess I could always walk slower instead of powering through everyone like a bowling ball through an arrangement of pins. But I don't like dawdling unless I'm on holiday.

I guess I'll figure something out or just stop caring in the end.

I do love that term though. Resting bitch face. Who comes up with this stuff?!

Do you suffer from the resting bitch face?



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The Mortal Instruments: Book Two, City of Ashes

By Cassandra Clare.

I've literally got a whole load of reviews still stored up with all the books and films I've watched recently so I might just start posting them every Wednesday until I've caught up and post other stuff on Sundays!

Anyways, onto the review:

[Haunted by her past, Clary is dragged deeper into

New York City's terrifying underworld of demons

and Shadowhunters - but can she control her

feelings for a boy who can never be hers?]

Oooooh, I enjoyed this one much more than I did the first one. Maybe it was because I didn't know the plot to this one and it was all brand new and exciting.

I loved the constant battle Jace and Clary both clearly had within themselves, about their current situation, and with each other. It was difficult to read at times, being that it's kind of gross that I wanted what they did, but also that none of us should have wanted it at all under said "circumstances". 

(I'm not convinced these circumstances are the truth though... I hope)

Okay, enough riddles. I really can't say that much without spoiling anything.

However, there was a lot of action, especially with Simon's character. His whole role changed abruptly and I must admit, I didn't see it coming, at all. 

I loved Alec and Magnus' attempt at sneaking around, it was kind of really cute. 

Plus, the whole final-ish scene on the boat was pretty epic. I think - if they had of made it into a film - that that scene would have been phenomenal. They definitely kept hinting at us - and the characters - not really knowing all of the facts which was intriguing.

I also think Cassandra Clare's way of writing is really easy and simple to follow, with a whole abundance of description and decent dialogue thrown in that keeps you well and truly hooked!

Can't wait to read the next one!

✌

Social Pressure

So, this post is going to seem hella out of the blue but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and wanted to get off of my chest. Plus, I'm not even too sure on how to write it without coming across.. weird, yanno?

It was my nan's birthday yesterday and I've been trying to go home a lot more as, well, they're getting on a bit and I miss seeing them as much as we used to as kids. We used to spend 2 weeks with my mum, 2 weeks with my dad and 2 weeks with my grandparents (6 weeks seemed like forever back then!) and then secondary school hit, and I just saw them less and less until I barely saw them at all when I was at uni. Granted, it was tougher considering I was in London and not a ten minute drive from them, but still.

It's just been on my mind a lot that I haven't seen them enough and I'm trying to make up for it in a way. I just don't feel as close to my family as some people do. Like, we have good chats and stuff when we're together, we just never seem to make the effort to see each other a lot. I don't know, we're weird.

Anyways, I digress.

So I shot over to St. Pancras International after work on Friday to be greeted by a whole hoard of people - there had been a signal failure further up the line causing delays. I cried on the inside but once I'd hopped on the train, we were actually only five minutes later leaving than scheduled - hurray!

We had a nice chill evening in watching Jurassic World and chatting away, settling in for the night in preparation for the following day.

After my sister had finally finished faffing about, doing God knows what, we headed over to my grandparents yesterday afternoon. We arrived before everyone else (just us and the grandparents) and settled in for my granddads infamous buffet-style dinner (he used to be a chef back in the day so I always look forward to the food!)

And then the others showed up, including my cousin and her baby.

Which leads me to my confession.

I'm really really broody. Like, I don't think I can control it right now, especially when I see my cousin's daughter. She is sooooo adorable.

But, well, basically, this post was meant to be addressing the fact that most women still feel the pressure to have kids even if they don't want them. I used to not want kids, as in I loathed the idea of them and any I came into contact with and whenever I aired the fact that I didn't want them, people would just look at me and be all "you'll change your mind, trrrrust me."

And then there are the others that are all "you should be grateful you can have kids, you're so selfish if you don't want to take advantage of what you can have, blah blah blah."

No.

I just think it's ridiculous that women have to feel like this, like it's hard wired into our DNA and we're meant to want this. Men don't have to want to have them, so why do we? We're allowed to play the field, be career or goal orientated.

Okay, so I have changed my mind but that's not because I feel pressured to, it's because I want to.

I'm still torn though. I mean I really really want them at the moment, but I'm also loving my job and don't want to take time off right now (plus there's the whole living situation and whatnot - which will hopefully be changing in the near future. Fingers crossed!)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I guess it doesn't help that I've been home a lot more recently for family birthdays and seeing my second cousin's adorable little face and the way my cousin has changed, it just makes me want it way more. Plus, A is so family-orientated that just seeing him with his little nephews and nieces makes my heart melt.

I don't know if any of this made sense or whether it was a random mishmash of my thoughts, but, yeah, I wanted to write it out, clear my head as it were.

I should definitely write spontaneously more often.

Let me know your thoughts!



✌

What I'm Loving Right Now

I meant to make this a sort of series but, yanno, I don't think I post regularly enough for that. My blog would just consist of these posts and reviews if that were to happen.

Maybe one day when I can find some sort of motivation again. I swear, I used to be so good at being organised, turning up early, having presents and cards ready in advance, buying products way before they run out. But now, no, I'm Miss Disorganised and can't seem to find where I put my motivation.

Anyways, without any further ado, here are the things that I'm loving right now:

1. Audible - I recently wrote a review of listening to my first audiobook and I just have to share my love for them again. Honestly, they are genius. I'm currently listening to The Silmarillion (as I tried to read it and just couldn't get into it properly!) and I already can't stop thinking ahead about which one I'm going to use my precious monthly credit on next.

2. Dracula - I have finally, finally read Dracula (review to come when I finish all of the other horror stories within this book)! It was easier to read than I first anticipated which was a surprise and now I really want to see Christopher Lee's film adaptations!

3. Formula 1 - The season has started again and I am loving every second of it, even more so that it's on Channel 4 now and the presenters don't irritate me. I was a little bored at the end of the last season as the Mercedes team were constantly winning (started off that way this season too), but then the last two races were shocking and exciting and I'm hooked all over again.

4. Running - I don't know if I've mentioned it on my blog yet (probably not as I wanted to see how it went) but I've recently started running. I couldn't find myself getting into a proper routine doing the abs and squats each week so I thought I'd try something new. I'd heard a lot about how it's a good stress/anxiety reliever, and so far I am thoroughly enjoying it!

5. Game of Thrones - apart from episode 6, I think every episode of this new season has been action-packed, fast-paced and full to the brim with unexpected twists! I just. GAME. OF. THRONES ❤ can't wait for the last few episodes.

6. Avocados - my new obsession and they're healthy, result! Absolutely love adding these to a salad to put with my dinner, even tried it in a Spanish omelette yesterday and it was to die for ❤ ❤ ❤ still need to try it on toast tho.

7. Warmer weather - I used to hate heat and the summer months but, now, I'm really starting to enjoy them. Everyone is so much happier and it's all chilled and beaut. Don't get me wrong tho, I still enjoy winter, I will forever be a winter girl, with my constant freezing cold hands and feet!

What have you been loving lately?

✌

Is Romance Dead?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking specifics here, I'm not complaining about my own relationship because, as far as that goes, it's great. I honestly couldn't feel any happier at the moment.

I'm talking general romance.

Over the years, I've heard a lot about how our generation aren't very romantic, especially compared to the likes of those brought up decades ago.

Like, what is it that made them so romantic? What is romance exactly?

Is it that they did actual dates, that guys literally came to pick a girl up for one, courted them, bought them a bouquet of flowers unexpectedly, treated her with respect? I mean, what does any of that even mean anymore?

We may blame guys for not sticking their necks out trying to be romantic because, let's face it, liking someone's picture on social media is much easier than engaging in a proper conversation ey? Guys these days are too worried about what other guys will think if they actually make effort for a girl, worried if it'll damage their reputability or their masculinity.

But girls aren't exactly all prim and proper either. We're as bad as the guys, revealing a little too much (whether that be skin or about ourselves to strangers), drinking too much and just not being, well, very classy.

I honestly think technology - although it's great - has ruined romance. What do you reach for first thing in the morning, your phone or your partner? Or out for a meal, who actually talks anymore? Everyone is constantly glued to their phones.

We idolise these ridiculous relationships on TV, we are obsessed with how we look and how we are perceived by others, we are ego-ridden.

Okay, there are still some old romantics at heart out there, but they are vastly outnumbered.

I always believed I was born in the wrong era. I idolise the 1920's to 1960's and yet I was born in the era for ass-slapping and drunken one night stands instead.

I saw a picture the other week about how we're coming up to 2020 soon and how we should bring back the 1920's approach. I couldn't agree more.

What do you think of romance today - do you prefer it over what used to be?

❤

The Mortal Instruments: Book One, City of Bones

By Cassandra Clare.

I'm a bit off this week, what with the bank holiday and having Friday off too!

And I know I've been writing a lot of reviews lately but that's because I've been an unprepared nancy of late and need to get my butt in gear and prepare you some more interesting posts!

Definitely some on the way, I promise.

For now though, I've been wanting to read The Mortal Instruments series for a while now, especially after seeing the film a few years ago.

[Clary Fray is seeing things: vampires in Brooklyn and

werewolves in Manhattan. Irresistibly drawn to the

Shadowhunters, a secret group of warriors dedicated

to ridding the earth of demons, Clary encounters

the dark side of New York City - and the

dangers of forbidden love.]

So, even just reading the blurb again, I can see that this may look a little like one of those predictable and cheesy books. Don't get me wrong, some of it really is, but it's actually a lot better than I expected as well and so easy to read!

Clary, the protagonist, was a little young for me to really engage with - especially everything she managed to get herself in to. However, I did thoroughly enjoy the plot.

I enjoyed the different fantasy elements and the dialogue was excellent, although there was some rambling in places that wasn't really needed. The characters were well developed and I grew to know all of their motivations through their actions and the way others spoke of them, even if they were the antagonists.

Jace and Magnus Bane were my favourites with their sarcasm, wit and charm. Luke was a character that also grew on me the more I read. Clary, on the other hand, was whiney and irritating, especially as she kept forgetting all about Simon. No one forgets about their best friend, no matter how interesting their new life has become.

And the ending! Even though I knew about it thanks to the film, it still grossed me out (no spoilers here). What a twist though, if I hadn't known the plot already!

I'm definitely intrigued to see how the rest of the books unfold.

✌